I sent this is in a message to the mods a little while back after seeing that the existing wiki was a little out of date, really centric to certain areas and tbh, not very neutral when it came to other areas. It's my no means the end of any recommendations, but considering we have a lot of questions about what to do/see/eat/drink and where to stay or live, I thought it might be helpful.
Anyway, I haven't got a response, and I'm not even sure if any of them are even still active here, so I thought I'd just drop it here and maybe somebody can get some use out of it anyway.
I'll clarify that outside of playing for one of the American football teams currently, and having previously played for another, I'm not affiliated with any organisation mentioned herein.

About Birmingham

Birmingham is the second city (don't listen to anything Manchester says!) of the United Kingdom. It is the largest and most populous city in the United Kingdom, as well as the centre of the second largest urban area after London, with a population somewhere between 1 and 1.3 million people.
Birmingham boomed from a non-descript market town to a juggernaut of a city during the Industrial Revolution in the late 1700s/early 1800s, and is called "the first manufacturing town in the world". Although the steam engine is Birmingham's most famous invention, did you know, that amongst hundreds of other things, we're also responsible for the birth of the modern chemical industry, cotton spinning, the Baskerville typeface, building societies, powdered custard, the modern postal system, medical plaster, lawn tennis, plastic, medical use of x-rays, The Lord of the Rings, and the Football League? Well now you do!
Today, we don't manufacture so much, but we're still an important city on the global stage. We're now a centre for both the public and private service industry, and one of the most important centres of finance in the country.
We form the centre of a metropolitan area, spanning from Solihull in the south east, to Wolverhampton and the Black Country in the north west, and we make up an interesting group of people. We're a city of younger than average people, and are the UK's most ethnically diverse city, with large numbers of immigrants from Ireland, South Asia, the Caribbean and China. This make up has majorly shaped the city we live in today.
Whether you're visiting for a day or two, or you're a born and bred Brummie, Birmingham is still a city that can amaze you.
And yes... it's true. We do have more canals than Venice.

Big Name Attractions

• BBC Birmingham: Visitors can book tours of their working building that take you behind the scenes of their television and radio productions. There is also a visitor centre that doesn't require booking.
• Botanical Gardens: A 15 acre selection of gardens and greenhouses containing some of the world's rarest (and in some cases, entirely unique) plants. There are also a number of exotic birds.
• Cadbury World: The world famous chocolate manufacturer was founded in Bournville. There are exhibits on the history of chocolate, the making of chocolate, the story of the Cadbury family, and if you hadn't guessed by now, a massive Cadbury shop.
• LegoLand Discovery Centre: A newly-opened, kid centric day out based entirely on the world famous, colourful bricks.
• Library of Birmingham: This striking building opened in 2013 is the largest public library in the United Kingdom, and the largest "public cultural space" in Europe and hosts a number of nationally and internationally significant collections.
• National Sea Life Centre: Even with our extensive canal network, perhaps not the most appropriate location, but still... A giant aquarium with a range of sea and river life, from sharks, to penguins, to otters.
• Sarehole Mill: A working water mill that has played a significant park in the history of both the industry and literature of Birmingham. Matthew Boulton, one of the fathers of the industrial revolution performed experiments there, and Lord of the Rings author, J. R. R. Tolkien lived just a stones throw from the mill. It is located in the Shire Country Park, named for its influence on the location of that name in the aforementioned books.
• Thinktank: A family-oriented science experience with a focus on Birmingham's manufacturing and industrial history. You can see real WWII era aircraft, steam trains, and the world's oldest working steam engine. There's also a planetarium.

Smaller Attractions

• Aston Hall: The "leading example of the Jacobean prodigy house" has a storied local history, from the Civil War-era onwards.
• Back to Backs: The "city's last surviving court of back-to-back houses". Get a feel for life amongst the common folk of the city during the population boom of the Industrial Revolution.
• Blakesley Hall: One of the oldest buildings in the city, and an archetypal example of Tudor architecture, originally owned by the famed Smalbroke family.
• Coffin Works: A restored factory that historically manufactured brass fittings, and, you guessed it, coffins, including those of famed statesmen and members of the royal family.
• Museum of the Jewellery Quarter: Step inside a "'time capsule' of a jewellery workshop" and learn about the 200+ year history of the Jewellery Quarter.
• Pen Museum: The only museum dedicated to the pen trade in the UK, learn how Birmingham became the heart of the world pen industry.
• Selly Manor: Originally the manor house of Bournbrook, it was acquired by the Cadbury family in the early 1900s and moved to be the heart of their model village, Bournville.
• Soho House: A large house containing primarily a celebration of the life of famed industrialist Matthew Boulton and his peers in the Lunar Society.
• Winterbourne House & Garden: A seven acre botanic garden of the University of Birmingham.

Food & Drink

Birmingham is a city quickly gaining a world-class reputation for food, with an exploding independent scene backed up by an enviable selection of fine dining options.
Fine Dining You may have heard that Birmingham has more Michelin-starred restaurants than any UK city outside of London, and that's (sort of, if you're including Solihull) true!
With five (strictly four) restaurants boasting a star, Birmingham has plenty for those desiring a fine dining experience.
Purnell's, ran by regular TV face Glyn Purnell, and Adam's are both located in the city centre. Simpsons is just a mile-and-a-bit outside the centre in leafy Edgbaston, and Carters of Moseley is just a little further out, in, well, Moseley. The most recently awarded star goes to Peel's, located in the Hampton Manor hotel in Hampton in Arden, a quick drive from Birmingham Airport.
But it's not all about those famous stars. There's also several restaurants that make the Michelin Guide. Asha's (Indian), Opus (European), The Wilderness (British/European), Lasan (Indian), Waters (European), The Boot Inn (European/Fusion), Opheem (Indian), Folium (British/European), and Harborne Kitchen (British/European) are all places you're almost guaranteed some good eating!
Street Food & Independents While the Michelin-club get all the plaudits, many prefer Birmingham's proud independent food scene for a cheaper, more relaxed meal.
The jewel in the crown is Digbeth Dining Club. The now three-day-a-week event sees an area in Digbeth in the centre of Birmingham closed off and populated by some of the countries finest streetfood vendors for a festival of food, drink and music. Many of the regulars have been crowned winners of something in the various country-wide streetfood competitions in recent years, and you'll get anything from Indian snacks, decadent waffles, slow cooked BBQ, and mouth-watering cheesecakes to award winning burgers. Additionally, in a very similar vein, is the much more recent Hawker Yard.
Looking for a burger? You're in luck. There's Original Patty Men (who are so renowned, Drake opted to miss out on the Brit Awards to eat their burgers) and The Meat Shack both located in the city centre that make some of the best burgers you'll ever taste, and have a great selection of beers to go with them.
Thanks to the city's impressive Chinatown, you're guaranteed some good authentic Chinese food. Our recommendation? Head to Peach Garden or Look In and order a selection of roasted meats (just look for the hanging ducks in the window, you won't miss them!)
Perhaps Birmingham's most world famous offering to the culinary world is the Balti. Named for the thin-pressed steel dish it's served in more than any particular method of cooking, the Balti is a garlic and onion heavy curry that is cooked over high heat, rather than simmering all day. If that sounds enticing to you, then I've got good news.
Birmingham is famed for the Balti Triangle, an area around Sparkbook, Sparkhill and Moseley that has an eye-wateringly high concentration of restaurants serving Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi food, almost all of which serving many variations of the eponymous dish. While the Balti may have spread across the entirety of the UK, it's well known that Birmingham still has the best. Looking for a recommendation? Check out Adil's, the place that lays perhaps the strongest claim to creating the dish in the first place or Al Frash. We're also locked into an ongoing battle with Glasgow as to which city created the creamy, mild curry, the Chicken Tikka Masala. Added bonus? Many of the city's balti houses are BYOB.
Outside of those mentioned, there really is something for those that want something a little different. The Karczma serves authentic Polish food in amazing decor. Bonehead is the place to go for fried chicken. If you're not feeling a full three course balti, Zindiya offers amazing Indian street food. Loaf is a co-operatively ran bakery and cookery school that offer literally the best sausage rolls in the world. Whatever cuisine takes your fancy, you will find a restaurant in Birmingham cooking it to the highest quality.
If there's anything that will force you to make plans to visit Birmingham again, it's the food.
Drinking And what d'you know, it's not just great food here, but great drink too!
In the city centre, you're spoiled for choice. There's a Brewdog bar, serving a range of beers from the eponymous brewery alongside a smorgasbord of guest brewers. Just opposite is Cherry Reds (they also have a location in Kings Heath), serving craft beers in a cafe atmosphere. Located in a former, guess what, the Post Office Vaults invites you to take a look through their "Beer Bible" and select from hundreds of beers from around the world. Purecraft serves beers from the renowned Purity Brewing Company, and the food is amazing too.
Around what was formerly a financial district, you'll find a lot of popular bars in attractive buildings, such as The Old Joint Stock, The Lost and Found and The Cosy Club. In the Jewellery Quarter, you'll find the reasonably priced 1000 Trades (usually with a pop-up dishing out great food) and further afield, the Plough in Harborne.
Cocktails more your thing? You won't miss out. The Alchemist, Fumo, Ginger's and Gas Street Social all serve proper cocktails in trendy atmospheres.
On the same street in Stirchley and Cotteridge, you will find two of the countries highest-rated off-licences. Cotteridge Wines has been voted The Best Bottle Shop in England for five years running, and Stirchley Wines, just a few minutes walk away, is held in similarly high regard. Both have been listed in RateBeer's top four locations in the country.

Sport

Birmingham is famous as a sporting city. The Football League, the world's first league football competition, was founded in 1888 by Birmingham resident, and Aston Villa director William McGregor.
Along with the aforementioned Aston Villa, Birmingham is also home to another of the oldest football teams in the country, Birmingham City. Birmingham City's Ladies play at the top level of Women's football. The football season runs between August and May.
Edgbaston Cricket Ground is home to Warwickshire County Cricket Club, but is also more prominently used for Test matches, One Day Internationals and Twenty20 Internationals. The County Cricket season runs between April and September. The Twenty20 season runs between July and September.
Birmingham and the nearby areas are home to two PGA standard golf courses; The Belfry, which has hosted the Ryder Cup more than any other venue, and the Forest of Arden, a regular host of tournaments on the PGA European Tour.
Arena Birmingham, formerly known as the National Indoor Arena, has hosted a number of World and European indoor athletics championships, and the Alexander Stadium in Perry Barr is the headquarters of UK Athletics, and the home of the Birchfield Harriers, which counts a number of elite international athletes amongst its members.
The first ever game of lawn tennis was played in Birmingham in 1859 and the Birmingham Classic, played annually at the Edgbaston Priory Club is one of only three UK tennis tournaments on the WTA Tour.
There are two professional Rugby Union teams in Birmingham and the surrounding areas. Moseley Rugby Football Club play in the National League 1, and Birmingham & Solihull Pertemps Bees play in the Midlands Premier division. The Rugby Union season typically runs between September and April.
Birmingham is also home to the oldest British American football team, the Birmingham Bulls and the most successful team in University American football, the Birmingham Lions at the University of Birmingham. The Tamworth Phoenix, the current BAFA National League champions, are located in nearby Coleshill, and the Sandwell Steelers are located in the Black Country. The BAFA National Leagues season typically runs between April and August and the University season typically runs between October and January.
The Birmingham Bandits play in the National Baseball League, the top level of competition in the country. The season typically runs between April and August.
Birmingham will host the 2022 Commonwealth Games.

Entertainment

Film For those that want to catch a movie, there is, as you might expect, a range of chain cinemas in dozens of locations across the city in which you can catch the latest release.
But if you're looking for something really special? Why not check out The Electric, the UK's oldest working cinema?
Of course, they show the latest blockbusters, but they also show classic movies and special events throughout the year.
Music Whatever your preference, there's a good bet that Birmingham has had an impact.
We have the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra playing at the Symphony Hall for those with a more refined ear.
There are regular jazz festivals across the city and surroundings through the year.
Perhaps you've heard of the small time bands Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin and Napalm Death? Birmingham is the home to metal, and it's an influence that is still obvious today. You'll find local bands playing the full spectrum of metal at music pubs across the city.
If you want to check out a band on tour, we've got arenas that range in size from the huge (Arena Birmingham, Genting Arena) to the more modest (Hare & Hounds, HMV Institute) and those in-between (O2 Academy).
Theatre The Repertory Theatre is the UK's longest-established "producing theatre" and the Alexandra and Hippodrome are the go-to places to see shows on tour.
Those looking for a particularly classy night out can choose from the Birmingham Royal Ballet, resident at the Hippodrome, or the Birmingham Opera Company, known for their avant garde performances in non-typical spaces.
Museums & Galleries Birmingham Museum & Art Gallery is the big one. A notable collection of Pre-Raphaelite work and the Staffordshire Hoard are probably the stand outs that it's known for, but there's a temporary exhibition space that hosts events like student exhibitions from local universities.
The Barber Institute of Fine Arts is located on the campus of the University of Birmingham, and was one of only five galleries outside London to receive five stars for having "Outstanding collections of international significance", and this relatively modest sized gallery hosts works by the likes of Vincent van Gogh, Claude Monet, Auguste Rodin and J. M. W. Turner and has one of the world's largest coin collections.
If contemporary art is more your thing, then the Ikon Gallery in Brindley Place is for you, hosting rotating exhibitions throughout the year.
The mac, located in Cannon Hill Park is an art gallery with rotating exhibitions that also hosts plays, concerts and film showings.
For further Museums & Galleries see the "Attractions" section.
Nightlife As a young city, there's plenty of places in the city to while the night away.
Broad Street is Birmingham's most well known area. It's a long street with very popular, relatively "bog-standard" bars and clubs, with large dancefloors and loud, popular music. PRYZM is the largest nightclub in the city, and Grosvenor Casino, open 24 hours, is nearby.
You'll most likely find single 18-25 year olds along this busy street just a few minutes walk from the very centre of the city.
Birmingham's Gay Village is also well established, with Nightingales being arguably the biggest name. Nearby, the Arcadian hosts a number of smaller bars and clubs.
The Jewellery Quarter offers more intimate nightlife options, and you're more likely to find a slightly older clientele sipping cocktails and listening to live bands than on their feet on a dancefloor.
Digbeth is where the cool people go in search of more underground fare. DJs and producers playing House, Techno (including the world famous "Birmingham Sound"), Dubstep, Garage and Drum & Bass congregate in the clubs in this area, catering to those that are happy to go all night. If you want to go even further off the beaten track, check out PST where you're likely to find Listening Sessions, showcasing a range of music from local producers.
Shopping The Bullring is the major shopping centre in Birmingham. It is one of Europe's largest and houses just one of four Selfridges department stores, housed in an iconic building. There are a number of stores selling fashion, cosmetics, toys and gifts and food.
The Bull Ring markets see 140 stallholders offering fresh fruit and vegetables, meats and fish, and basically every non-food item you can think of.
The Jewellery Quarter is Europe's largest concentration of businesses involved in the jewellery trade, which produces 40% of all the jewellery made in the UK.
The Great Western Arcade is a Grade II listed row of shops that cater almost entirely to independent retailers where you're almost guaranteed to find something unique.

Weather

We're a relatively temperate city, in that it rarely gets super cold, and rarely gets super hot. In the summer months, you can expect a twenty four hour swing from around 11°C(52°F) to 23°C(73°F), and in the winter months, anywhere between 0°C(32°F) and 7°C(45°F).
We get roughly 10-13 rainy days per month throughout the year.
Compared to other UK cities, we are relatively snowy, due to our inland position and high elevation, however, it rarely snows to a degree that it causes problems.

Environment

Birmingham is, perhaps surprisingly given its unfair reputation, an outstandingly green city. We have a stunning 571 parks in the city, more than any other European city.
Sutton Park is the biggest park in the city, and is Europe's largest urban park outside of a capital city. Around a quarter of the former Royal Forest is covered by ancient woodlands, and there are a number of large ponds and pools. It is relatively common to see deer and exmoor ponies in the less busy parts of the park. There are several sporting events held in the park throughout the year.
The Lickey Hills are home to a Green Flag awarded country park that offer picturesque views of the city of Birmingham, and are home to several species of deer, badgers and around ninety bird species, and some believe this favoured haunt of J. R. R. Tolkien formed the inspiration for the Shire in his famed The Lord Of The Rings series.
Cannon Hill Park is a 250 acre area consisting of woodland, grassland and several large ponds. There are areas for soccer, boating, fishing, tennis and mini-golf.

Travel

Due to its centralised location, Birmingham is well placed for transport. It is served by the M5, M6 (famed for the Gravelly Hill Interchange, more commonly known as Spaghetti Junction), M40 and M42 motorways.
Birmingham Airport (actually located in Solihull), is an international airport, with flights to and from to many destinations in Europe, North America, the Caribbean, Africa, the Middle East and Asia.
Birmingham New Street is the largest railway station outside of London and serves locations across the country. Snow Hill and Moor Street act as the northern termini for trains coming from London Marylebone.
Buses are mainly administered by National Express, and the West Midlands bus route 11, also known as the Birmingham Outer Circle, is the longest urban bus route in Europe at 27 miles, taking around three hours to complete.
Uber operates within Birmingham.

Living In Birmingham

Many times we're asked here on brum "where should I live", "is area X ok to live in", etc. Much like everything else in Birmingham, there is a lot of variety. Houses can range from cheap as chips to pretty expensive, and each area of the city has its own up and downsides. It's not so easy to divide Birmingham by distinct areas of desirability, and some of the most expensive and sought after suburbs border those that aren't as popular.

Central Birmingham

Living in central Birmingham will be similar to living in the centre of any other big city, if you've ever done that. There will always be something to do on right on your doorstep, the social opportunities are immense, and your commute can be but a short walk to the office. Of course, this is often at the expense of a smaller, more expensive property, greater noise and everywhere is pretty busy 24/7. There are a number of distinct "regions" in the city centre.
Brindley Place & Surrounding Areas Likely the priciest part of the city centre to live in, but there are often more than small flats available. Penthouses, townhouses and large apartments are more common in this area.
Average property price: Anywhere from ~£150,000 to £1m+ Brindley Place on Streetcheck
Digbeth An area still undergoing gentrification, but also a focal point for up and coming independents in business, food, arts and culture. Most, if not all, properties in Digbeth will be flats. Most of Digbeth is a five minute walk to the centre of the city.
Average property price: £158,024 Digbeth on Streetcheck
Jewellery Quarter Great for food and drink, the Jewellery Quarter, while still a stronghold in the UK jewellery industry, is fast becoming one of the "cooler" areas to live in the city. Most, if not all, properties in the Jewellery Quarter will be flats.
Average property price: ~£200,000-250,000 Jewellery Quarter on Streetcheck

North Birmingham

North Birmingham has a large swing in terms of lifestyle. Some areas closer to the city centre are more economically deprived, whereas further away, the likes of Sutton Coldfield can boast some of the most expensive and most desirable locations in the Midlands. The transport links are, to some, an attraction to living in North Birmingham, usually being just minutes from several junctions on the M6 and M5.
Aston Aston as a settlement is very old, and has a real mix of history, ranging from the medieval to Jacobean to early 1900s. Most properties in Aston are terraced houses.
Average property price: £107,137 Aston on Streetcheck
Erdington Lying between the city centre and it's more expensive neighbour, Erdington is fast becoming a desirable location for those priced out of Sutton Coldfield. There is a range of properties from detached housing to flats.
Average property price: £163,075 Erdington on Streetcheck
Handsworth An "on the rise" area that can boast perhaps the longest list of famous residents in the whole city. There are a wide range of properties from detached housing to terraced houses.
Average property price: £144,484 Handsworth on Streetcheck
Sutton Coldfield A "Royal Town" and the fourth-least deprived area in the country, Sutton Coldfield is renowned as a very affluent area with many attractions. There are a range of properties from terraced houses to very large detached houses.
Average property price: £314,808 although houses can and do regularly top £3m+ Sutton Coldfield on Streetcheck

East Birmingham

East Birmingham is home to a diverse population, and a relatively green area stretching from the city centre to neighbouring Solihull, and is quickly finding itself a niche as younger folk priced out of Solihull move to a desirable location between the leafy town and Birmingham's centre.
Bordesley Green Traditionally an area popular with immigrants, and mostly consists of terraced houses.
Average property price: £122,712 Bordesley Green on Streetcheck
Stechford Mostly terraced housing with a tonne of local ameneties and is cut almost in two by the River Cole and has a large nature reserve running through it.
Average property price: £150,085 Stechford on Streetcheck
Yardley & Sheldon An historically old suburb of Birmingham, with a dedicated conservation area and many local ameneties. There are a range of properties from detached houses to a small number of flats and apartments.
Average property price: £162,601 Yardley & Sheldon on Streetcheck

South Birmingham

The south of Birmingham is home to some of the "coolest" suburbs that are quickly gaining popularity, seated between the city centre and what you might call "countryside" towards Warwickshire.
Hall Green Encompassing much of the Tolkien trail, this suburb borders Shirley in Solihull.
Average property price: £209,923 Hall Green on Streetcheck
Kings Heath, Stirchley and Cotteridge These three closely related suburbs are quickly becoming seen as an affordable alternative to Moseley.
Average property price: £211,276 Kings Heath on Streetcheck
Moseley With a real "village" feel, there are many renowned drinking holes and eateries, with a large range of property types.
Average property price: £276,533 Moseley on Streetcheck
Sparkhill Home to a large population of immigrants, it's not surprising that Sparkhill is home to much of the famed "Balti Triangle". Most of the properties are terraced houses.
Average property price: £142,394 Sparkhill on Streetcheck

West Birmingham

As you move away from the city centre towards the Black Country, you'll come across some of the city's most sought-after locations for both young and old alike.
Edgbaston A very affluent suburb that is also home to much of the University of Birmingham campus. There are a number of very large houses, but also a large number of flats and terraced houses. Houses can and do regularly go for £1m+
Average property price: £301,851 Edgbaston on Streetcheck
Harborne A Victorian-era suburb with a large amount of terraced and semi-detached housing, located between Edgbaston and Quinton.
Average property price: £278,266 Harbone on Streetcheck
Selly Oak The majority of residents in this suburb are students at Birmingham's universities. As such, it has many transport links to the city centre. Most of the properties are terraced houses.
Average property price: £221,046 Selly Oak on Streetcheck
Quinton This green suburb basically forms the very western border of the city before you enter Sandwell and Dudley. Most properties are semi-detached.
Average property price: £258,077 Quinton on Streetcheck

Outside the city

Birmingham is part of the greater West Midlands conurbation, so it can be used as a hub for exploring the region easily.
Solihull is situated on the south-eastern edge of Birmingham. Solihull is an affluent town with a mid-sized town centre, and a number of smaller villages located more rurally.
Coventry can be reached via the M6 or A45, and is roughly a half an hour to fourty minute drive from the city centre.
Stratford-Upon-Avon, famed for being the home of William Shakespeare, is located roughly an hour away from the city centre.
Warwick, the home of Warwick Castle, is located near Royal Leamington Spa, and is about an hour by car from the city centre.
The Cotswolds, a designated Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, can be quickly reached, anywhere from one to two hours away from the city centre.
Worcester and the Malvern Hills, a designated Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, can be reached via the M5, around an hour and a half from the city centre.
On the western edge of the city, the Black Country, consisting of Dudley, Sandwell, Walsall and Wolverhampton can be found.
Further out west, the Shropshire Hills, an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty can be found.
To the north of the city, Cannock Chase, a large, heavily wooded Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty is located.

That reminds me of a story.
After that last one, I thought you might all enjoy a short follow up.
After Al, Chuck, Leo, returned to their other lives back in the world, they kept getting requests from various Agencies and Bureaus for more mine closure data, mostly focusing upon lines of documentation. The various Bureaus desired monographs, road guides, technical reports, and most importantly, detailed step-by-step “How To” manuals.
My guys, now my fully credentialed doctored colleagues, were predictably reticent to write up “How To” manuals for something that was obviously not of their authorship nor inception.
“Fuckin’-A, Rock,” Leo tells me in a phone call, “They want me to fuckin’ basically claim-jump you writing up mine closing procedures. What’s with these goatfuckers? They figured they paid you enough and are now trying to run a goddamned end around? Collective shitheels. No fucking way I’d even think of crossing, even accidently, the Motherfuckin’ Pro from Dover.”
I replied that I had no idea, as after the initial contacts after the field season, I had heard precisely dick from any of the bureaus. Which is fine, as I’m busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm getting ready to shift the family some 12,700 kilometers east.
I thanked Leo for the intel and told him not to worry, it’s just bureaucracy misfiring at its finest.
“Fuckin’-A, Bubba,” replies Leo as he hangs up.
It suddenly goes all dusty in my office. “I’ve trained that boy well,” I sniff and chuckle heartily.
A short while later, Al wrote me that he’s been contacted by the Bureau/Agency and they are desirous that he lead a field trip with a gaggle of professors from various universities. They are also not all geologists, but Environmental Scientists, Hydrologists, something called an “Environmental Engineer,” and other forms of societal detritus.
He tells me that they wanted him to lead a group of these characters out into the desert for a couple of weeks and show them the mine closure procedures which he developed.
He was most adamant in assuring me that they contacted him, and that the terminology was also theirs. He was already otherwise engaged, so he naturally had to decline. However, he made it abundantly clear that he would never even entertain such a notion like the one they had posited.
I wrote him back, as he was down in Patagonia doing something more or less interesting and/or exciting, thanking him for the information and wishing him well on his expedition. Since he was in the field, I also included a couple of the recipes we enjoyed back in the Nevada desert.
He later tells me that the Gauchos he was working with down there have never heard of Pineapple Upside Down Cake and they absolutely were delighted by it. Come to find out, they also like potato juice and citrus drinks as well.
“Good ol’ Dr. Good-deed. Aide to all men.” I pondered.
I talked with Esme about all this and she was of the opinion that either they knew I was headed east or they wanted me to have some time off. I had been doing a lot of ad hoc work for both Agencies and Bureaus over the last few years.
“Of course,” I replied, “Never ascribe to malice what can best be defined by governmental bureaucracy and officiousness.”
So, time puttered on.
We were holding weekly ‘GROJ (Get Rid Of Junk) sales’ on our weekends. Since everything electrical we possessed was 120 VAC, and the rest of the world, it seems, is 220 VAC, I had to part with all my antiquated electronics. My Fisher Studio-Standard stereo system, Akai reel-to-reel 16-track tape machines, EMI TG12345 MK IV recording console, and Harmon-Kardon turntables and amplifiers.
It was painful. However, I rationalized, if I were to stick them in storage for a decade or two, I’d have re-paid for them via rental fees a couple or three times over. Plus, and all that sitting unused in a storage locker certainly wouldn’t be good for these vintage electronical gizmos.
Still, it was a painful time to pack them into the back of someone else’s vehicle.
I had to take all my firearms to my Brother-in-Law for safekeeping. Since he’s in Kentucky, he was both happy to accept and vowed to give them regular workouts. Even though he’s some form or another of mechanical engineer, I guess I could trust him.
One day, the home phone rings. It’s Chuck and he’s livid.
“Rock!” he hollers, “You know what those chapped bastards at the Bureau want from me? They want me to step in on your turf, and take a clan of idiot pseudo-geologists out in the field for a couple of weeks and train them in mine closing. Can you fucking believe that?”
“Chuck,,” I say, “Whoa. Cool down. Leo and Al report the same, so it just looks like you were next on the list. So, going to take them up on their offer?”
“Don’t make me laugh, Doc!” Chuck asks, “First: I’m busy. Second: I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to handle logistics, camping, explosives, and all that other bureaucratic horseshit you somehow put up with. Third: I really don’t want a midnight visit from you and your bag of tricks because I’ve pissed you off by taking credit for what’s rightfully yours.”
“What is the fucking deal?” I ask Chuck, “I’m not like that at all. Everyone thinks I’m going go out and frag them because the Bureau asks them to do a job I did previously. Damn, I’m the most laid-back, gregarious, and even-tempered person on the planet; and I’ll mutilate the miserable manky motherfucker that says I’m not.”
Chuck laughs nervously.
“Hyperbole aside,” I continue, “It’s just that they know I’m headed out to the Middle East and don’t want to bother me right now; I suppose.”
“Umm, Rock,” Chuck clears his thought, and gulps, “That’s not the reason they told me.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, “What did they give as a reason?”
“Now, Rock, don’t take this wrong. This is Bureau-speak, not me,” Chuck wants to make the point vodka-clear, “But they felt you were the wrong person to lead this group of ‘scholars’. They were concerned with your…”
Hesitation.
“Spill it, Chuck,” I say.
“Demeanor,” Chuck says, “Your conduct, your deportment, your behavior…”
“I see someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas,” I said.
“Rock, that’s them, not me,” Chuck continues, “They said you are too ‘wild and wooly’ to conduct this field expedition of ‘noted scholars’.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, rhetorically.
“Just reporting to you what they told me, Bossman.” Chuck offers.
“I appreciate it, Chuck. Thanks.” I reply, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll take it from here.”
You could hear an audible expression of relief when we broke connection.
After a couple of cocktails, I had simmered down a bit. Esme says that I need to call my Agency buddies and get the lowdown on the situation, as they’ll know what’s going on.
For once, Esme is also very, very pissed off about the whole situation. Mama Bear’s claws were getting sharpened.
“You are gone for months,” Es exclaims, “Train a bunch of greenhorns, exceed project requirements by over 200%, supply crucial scientific data on forensic activities, and take out a disaster they didn’t even know existed in that mine with the locker full of explosives!”
“Yeah,” I reply, “Does seem a wee bit unappreciative.”
“And then they pull this kind of shit!,” Es yells further, “Those ungrateful bastards. Fuck ‘em. Let them stew in their own futility. They call and you tell them to get stuffed. After all you did for them…”
“Now, now, Dearest,” say, “Let me call Rack and Ruin. If anyone has the skinny on all this, they’ll have all the latest dope.”
“Bastards!,” Es cries, “You damn near get killed several times over and this is their thanks?”
“Yeah, I know, Darling,” I say, “Does seems a bit ungrateful and duplicitous.”
Esme hands me the phone.
“Phone. Call. Now.” She orders.
Looks like I just got my marchin’ orders.
“Yes, my love,” I reply. Even I know when I’m out-matched.
RING RING RING
Agent Rack answers and we go through the usual pleasantries…
“What the flying fuck you mean ‘I’m too dangerous’?” I question Agent Rack.
“Well, Doctor,” Rack tries to explain, “Your ‘cavalier’ attitude towards explosives. More of your ‘relationship’ with them. Not showing the proper deference…”
“WHAT?,” I roar, “Ask anyone that has worked with me in the field! ‘Safety first, last, and foremost’. Just that I don’t fret and quail around explosives like a bunch of phonophobic, jumped-up, wet-pantied shuddering schoolgirls, when I have to demolish something, doesn’t mean I’m anything other than a goddamned consummate professional.”
“Plus, Doctor, ” Rack continues, “It’s not the 1880’s any longer. A Stetson? A sidearm? A .454 Casull Magnum at that…”
“You have got to be yanking my crank here, Rack.” I angrily reply, as I really hate it when someone calls me Doctor like that, “The hat keeps the sun off my head so I don’t get addled like those fuckers you’re talking with at the Bureau. The sidearm is for safety. Oh, yes; there’s that word again. It’s a fucking tool, just like my Estwing hammers or my galvanometer.”
“Can’t kill anyone with a galvanometer,” Rack replies.
“But I could with a hammer, myriad ways” I reply, “And give me five minutes, I’d figure out a way to ‘extract’ someone with a galvanometer...”
“Doctor, do let me let you talk with Agent Ruin; I’m needed elsewhere,,” he tells me.
Agent Ruin takes the phone. It’s the old Agency Two-Step.
“Doctor is distraught,” he observes.
“No, ‘Doctor’ is just plain damned mad.” I reply, “They contract me for a job that has never been attempted before and I complete it beyond their wildest expectations! This is my recompense?”
“Well, Doctor,” Ruin continues, “I’m sure it’s strictly a business decision. It’s obviously nothing personal.”
“It sure as fuck sounds personal,” I gripe back, as now I’ve gone from annoyed to genuinely pissed off, “I’m surprised they didn’t say something derogatory about my Hawaiian shirts.”
“Oh, they did,” Agent Ruin lets slip.
“Oh? OK, Fine. That’s is then,” I reply, “The joyfulness of this whole experience has left the building. Tell them to strike me from their fucking list. I’m done with them. I wash my hands of them. I’m off east anyways. Fuck that bunch of paper-pushing, deskbound, pencil-necked dickheads. Fuck them. Fuck them solid. Fuck them ‘till they bleed.”
“Strong message to follow,” I add.
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin reminds me, “Do I need to remind you that all our conversations are recorded?”
“Oh, fuck no. I know that. So fucking what?” I growl, “Like I’m going to get tossed in Guantanamo for expressing a personal opinion? I can still do that in this fine country. Or has the First Amendment been repealed in my absence?”
“Doctor, you’re obviously agitated,’ Ruin adds, “Perhaps we’ll talk again later when you’ve calmed down before you head to the Middle East.”
“Yeah, about that,” I reply, “You shady characters can cross me off your fucking list as well. You’ve done nothing for me on this latest concern. Nothing! You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of a motherfucking heads-up. Guess that tells me all I need to know about the future of our relationship. Goodbye, Agent Ruin. Give Agent Rack my ‘Da Svidonya. I won’t be answering your calls any longer.
“Doctor, I, um, wait…”Agent Ruin sputters.
I continue: “And as long as I’m at it, tell that other Bureau to go hang as well. They want more data or shit from me, tell them to go find it elsewhere. And also tell them good luck with that. The three experts that exist in the world apart from me already told them to get bent. At least they possess loyalty and a dollop of comradeship. I’ll be shipping your phone and other items back via parcel post. Hasta la vista, Herr Ruin. Have a day.”
CLICK-KER -FUCKING-SMASH! I hang up in the rudest way possible.
“Clapped-out assholes,” I muse. “All those years of working together. All those years of building relationships around the world. It’s all kyboshed over a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I guess it was inevitable. Either I became too specialized or evolved myself out of being useful to them. Ah, well, their loss. Can’t be helped…”
I take a healthy swig right from the prime vodka bottle. OK, several.
“FUCKERS!” I scream at the wood-paneled ceiling, shaking my fist in vehement rage at the clouds coolly cruising by outside my window.
Esme doesn’t come running. She doesn’t have to. She knows the score.
I ship the Agency’s toys back to them with a terse note: “Thanks for all the nothing. Here’s your shit back. Dr. Rocknocker. PS: Get stuffed.”
Not my best effort, I’ll agree. However, I was really pissed at that point.
Now I have the time to devote solely to relocating my family and I overseas. Gad, there’s so much crap one must go through. What to sell, what goes in storage, what to trash, what to give away…the lists are endless.
First to go are all my power tools. Fuckbuckets. It took me decades to amass that collection. I got a good price, sure, but now I’m more or less without a hobby. We decide to put all Esme’s lapidary equipment in storage. It’s too specialized to generate much interest, much less a decent price. Besides, they won’t rot in our absence.
I can ship my fishing gear and golf clubs overseas. They’re American, but at least not 120 VAC.
Our house goes on the market and we have to get it spiffed to within an inch of its life. Got to have that ‘curb appeal’. Good, let someone else do it, I’m busy. More unexpected expense.
I give our house contractors out in New Mexico their marching orders. It’s going slow and will be a seasonal thing, but they guarantee me the house will be ready by next summer if they can source the slabs of Baraboo Quartzite I want. Splendid, that’s something I don’t have to follow up on every day.
Then there’s our aquarium. 250 gallons of treated Houston water, loaded with native Texan fish and a couple of cranky Jack Dempseys. All the gear, filters, pumps, water polishers, heaters, treaters, all of it. Has to go.
My ex-Utah Mormon drinking buddy down the road expresses interest. I basically let him have it gratis on the one condition he takes everything, fish included. He has to keep the fish alive and happy their entire lives. I’ve raised some from minnows and have grown attached to a couple of the gaspergou and a certain smallmouth bass with those big brown eyes…
Digger, my stalwart mechanic, is going to purchase my truck. It’s a bittersweet parting, but at least I know it’ll have a great home. Digger is going to use it as both his personal truck and his company’s hot-shot vehicle for pick-up and delivery of everything from batteries to full drivetrains. I know the vehicle will be in good hands.
Our Land Rover is up for grabs. Few are interested, though; buyer’s market. It’s a couple of years old and has lots of miles, due to Houston being so stupid-big. I order an extra-large bottle of AstroGlide as I know I’m going to be taking it up the ass on this one…
Finally, our pets.
Reluctantly, I’ve agreed to take the cat. It’s a stupid little feline that I figure we can just toss in a suitcase and drag it with us overseas. No, I guess we’ll get a cat-carrier and figure it out with the airlines.
Then there’s Lady. 135 kilos of dopey puppy. She’s getting up in years, as well, especially for a giant breed. Luckily, overseas we’ll be living on a Western compound. So if we go through all the rigmarole of quarantine, getting her a ‘pet passport’, and shipping via a specialist service, Lady can bark at the tenets of pre-Islam (dogs really aren’t haram), and actually join us in our new home.
This is going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. She’s an integral part of the family, she is going to join us.
I find a Pet Relocation Service and begin the masses of insane paperwork. It’s an ‘all-in’ service, basically door-to-door. But do not be deluded, they charge every micrometer of the way.
Vaccinations, chipping (she already was fitted with an RFID chip), booking, boarding, securing vet services, obtaining health certificates, securing import permits, dealing with all issues related to customs clearance, interacting with foreign agents, supplying IATA approved crates, and obtaining Municipality tags registration for new arrivals.
Gonna cost me a couple-three-four kilobucks. Worth every penny.
Esme, the kids and I are working on beginning packing, tossing this, wrapping that, sentimentalizing over the other thing when we get a ring at the door.
It’s a bonded courier. He has a package for me.
It’s of the size that would contain about 6-months’ worth of Playboy magazines, and has no external address. I sign for the thing and walk back to the kitchen.
“What you got there, Rock?” Es asks.
“Not sure,” I reply, “But it came via bonded courier.”
“Well, open it,” Es smiles. She loves surprises.
I do so and it’s a series of articles, re-prints, and other information regarding Nevada, mine closures, and the Mine Closure Act. There’s also a number of newspaper and magazine clippings that had been photo-copied into a dozen-page document. All of them, write-ups and reviews from different newspapers, house organs, and journals citing my work with the guys out in the field.
I open it further and there’s a personal note from Dr. Sam Muleshoe, and a certified check, made out in my name.
Seems I was correct. After exhausting their leads with Al, Leo, and Chuck, they have spent near a month trying to find someone to take over the project. “To fill my shoes,” as Dr. Sam Muleshoe notes.
They came up totally empty.
“Told ya’ so.” I gloated. Esme smiles a wide schadenfreude-fueled smile.
I look at the check. It’s plenty healthy, but not superhero strength.
I show Es and she laughs out loud.
“So,” Es whoops, “They think they can get back in your good graces by buying you off? Hah! Fat chance,” she says and regards the check, “Hell. They’re not even close.”
I agree with Esme passionately.
I write a quick, hand-scribbled note to Dr. Muleshoe, thanking him for the information. I give several options, some admittedly anatomically impossible, regarding what he can do with the check and the Bureau’s offer.
I wrap it back up with duct-tape, call the courier service, and return it to Reno, COD.
A couple of days later, I receive a phone call. Surprise, surprise, it’s from Reno.
“Rock, it’s Reno!,” Es tells me.
I shake my head “no!” slicing my hand through the air in the head-chop mime.
“Tell him I’ve gone bush in darkest Outer Albania and you have no idea when I’ll be back,” I say.
Esme looks a bit sheepish, as we can hear the phone remark: “I can hear you, you know.”
“Fuckbuckets,” I think, “OK, hand me the rap-rod.”
“Yeah?” I growl, very grizzly-like into the infernal communication device.
“Hello, Rock. This is Sam Muleshoe,” the phone reports.
“Damn,” I exclaim, “I guess you characters can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which word fucking confused you?”
“Rock, what’s the god damned deal?,” Sam asks innocently, “Why all the bloody hostility?”
“Oh, double-fuck me!” I say metaphorically, “Don’t act like you don’t know. Try and snake the latest field mine closing job out from under me and try to snag my guys. Then, when that fails, give some sort of bullshit report to Rack and Ruin. You think I’m ‘too cavalier’, too “wild and wooly’, and think I’m some goddamned 19th-century throwback that loves horrible Hawaiian shirts…”
“Doc?,” Sam asks, “Are you currently fucking drunk? What the actual fuck are you rabbeting on about?”
“Sam, I’m stone-cold fucking sober,” I reply, “Yeah. I know, that’s a first. But listen here Scooter. You must have balls of brass trying to sweet-talk me into running another field course after all you did…”
“Rock,” Sam pleads, “Please, believe me, I have no idea what you’re on about. Can we talk and maybe figure this thing out?”
“No!,” I holler, “I’m done talking with the likes of your Bureau. Nothing you can do or say to rebuild the bridges they’ve burned with me.”
“OK,” he says, “Doct…, err, Rock, buddy. Calm your tits. Give me the Reader’s Digest version. I’ll look into it, because I have absolutely no idea what this is all about. This really sounds serious, with fuck-up overtones. Trust me, I’m serious as the last cold can of beer on a field trip.”
“Marvelous.” I say, “I guess I owe you that much. Professional courtesy. At least one of us has the grit to employ some.”
So, I run through the tale of the travails of Al, Chuck, and Leo. Then my little difference of opinion with Agents Rack, Ruin, and the Agency. Plus my severing of ties with both that Agency out on the east coast and the Bureaus in the great American Southwest.
“Doctor,” Sam says intently, “I know it’s going to be difficult, but I swear on a box of your finest cigars with a vodka chaser that I didn’t know anything about all this nor did it come from this office. Por favor señor, let me do some digging. I’ll be back in touch.”
“Sam,” I say, thinking over the situation, “Yeah…I must apologize for my previous outbursts. I should have known you’re not behind this idiocy. Yeah, go do some fossicking. Let me know what you dig up. Again, sorry. I was a bit…animated.”
“Rock,” Sam chuckles, “Do you think that I’d dare anger someone like you? You must think I’ve got a serious case of cranial lithification to cheese-off the Motherfucking Pro from Dover!”
At this point, I knew that Sam was also only collateral damage; he too was caught in the crossfire. Ground zero for the original attacks lie elsewhere within the Bureau.
Esme and I go back to preparing for our trip coming up in 2 months. But Jesus Q. Christwagons, there’s so much to do. Everything you own; it gets packed, stored, or trashed.
It’s the decisions that get so tiring. Keep. Toss. Sell. Burn. Leave on someone’s doorstep.
I propose to Es that we just do the basic necessities. Then we hire some firm to finish up for us. It’d be worth the cost since just think what we’d be saving on aspirin and Ace Bandages.
Esme readily backs the idea that we should turn the job over to someone else. Plus in the interim, we can take a trip back home to Baja Canada so the kids could visit their grandparents, we visit our family, and all of us could cool out a bit before the big trip east.
I need to drop by Big Ray’s Tap for a few hours/days anyways.
Old commitments.
We’d go the beginning of our last month here in the States, spend a couple of weeks visiting family at home, leave the kids with the grandparents to get spoiled rotten. Es and I would return to Houston to finalize everything.
Then Es and I would fly from Houston to that damn sprawling annoyance of an airport on the big lake in Illinoise. The family would meet us there, handover the kids, and we’d all haul ass eastwards to the Middle East.
I readily agreed. Anything has to be better than dealing with this crapola.
Lady and the stupid cat would go to the pet schleppers a little early. Sure, it’d cost a few more dinars, but that’s one big headache sorted.
So, late one afternoon, I’m sitting in my office, trying to figure out exactly what reference works I couldn’t live without.
Compton’s? Save. Field Guide to Fungus? Toss. No, wait a minute. Could prove useful.
That’s why this is taking forever.
The phone rings.
It’s Sam.
“Hello, Sam,” I say, “What news?”
“Goddamn it all to fucking hell and back,” Sam roars.
“That’s a unique greeting,” I reply.
“I finally drilled down to the bottom of all this horseshit.,” Sam replies, “And it’s a real bowl of fuck all the way south.”
“I’m listening,” I say, “Actually, Sam, hold on. I need a drink. Moment.”
I give Es the high sign, note it’s Sam on the phone, and that I’ll be in my office if she hears any screaming.
I amp up my drink and return to my office, closing the door behind me.
Lady is here, waiting to keep my feet warm.
“OK Sam, your nickel,” I say, “What’s the scoop?”
“Would you believe?,” he begins, “That all batshittery this came from accounting and bookkeeping?”
“Well,” I reply, “I’ll have to admit that I’m not overly surprised.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “I was off on holiday. My first two weeks off after 5 years. My very temporary replacement received a memo from the head of the Bureau that there was great interest in you leading a shortened version of your last trip to demonstrate to a bunch of different university PhDs in the care and feeding of abandoned mines. Seems the Bureau Chief was very impressed with what you and your team accomplished.”
“OK,” I reply, “With you so far. So, where did things get wrapped around a tractor’s nuts?”
“Right,” he replies, “Here’s where things first went off the rails. Whoever vetted the list of potential attendees sorted the list alphabetically, not by field of expertise. Of course, the obvious first choice would be for geologists; especially those with mining, field, and blasting experience.”
“Ah,” I replied, “No wonder it was such a miscellaneous bunch of baloney-loaf whole-grain enviro-types that Al had mentioned.”
“Yep,” Sam agreed, “But before anyone with any brains got sight of that list, some fucknuts in the Bureau’s University Liaison department sent out invitations.”
“Invitations?” I asked, “To what?”
“That’s just the thing,” Sam continued, “They sent out invites to a program that didn’t yet exist, run by someone who had yet to be contacted, much less secured.”
“Oh, hey! That’s some good work you guys do down there.” I snort.
“Indeed,” Sam agrees, “So once that hit the mail, we started getting back replies and acceptances.”
“And there was no project, no leader, no logistics…?” I asked.
“No shit,” Sam scoffs. “So, what did these idiots here do? Contact the attendees and explain the problem. Take a little flack, but get it sorted out then try again?”
“Let me guess,” I said, “No?”
“Nope,” Sam sighs, “By that time, it was in the works and in the hands of accountants.”
“Oh, fuck,” I commiserated. “I feel your pain.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “They see that you’re the hookin’ bull on the last one and they dig into your contract. They figure, ‘Whoa, he’s way too expensive, just look at these expense accounts’, so they do an end-around and contact your colleagues.”
“Al, Chuck, and Leo. They’re damn good guys,” I said, “Fine field scientists, all. But I don’t think any of them have the moxie or experience yet to run a whole field course.”
“These accounting shitheads never bothered to find out,” Sam groans, “It was all ‘bottom line’, so you got caught in the squeeze.”
“OK,” I reply, “I see how that happened, but what about all the shit about me being a 19th-century throwback, that I’m unsafe, wear horrible Hawaiian shirts, and all that shit?”
“Comedy of bloody errors,” Sam says, “Actually, the Bureau Chief likes your fashion sense; you should see some of his shirts. But your slime campaign was based on unreliable evidence, tall tales, folklore, and outright fabrications. It was easy to pimp someone with a personality like yours, it’s been said. Someone was trying desperately to cover his ass. However, we have identified the perpetrator.”
“Next time I’m in Reno,” I said, “I’ll pay him a friendly little visit and arrange his transport to Neptune. One way. Y’know, it’d be easy for someone with a ‘personality like mine’.”
“Ah, yeah. He won’t be here,” Sam says, “In fact, we don’t know where the hell he went. He was immediately sacked, as were a couple of the more boneheaded accountants.”
“That’s redundant,” I smirk, “They really don’t want to talk with or see me anytime soon.”
“Right, then Rock,” Sam says, “We green again?”
“Yeah, Sam,” I reply, “Sure. Green as a New Saigon. But you’ve got to call Rack and Ruin for me. You have to let them know how this whole clusterfuck came to be. We had some words a while back.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sam remembers, “I talked with them the other day. They said they’ll be in Houston in a couple of days.”
“Cor! Just what I fucking need right now,” I lament. “Ah, it is what it is.”
“OK, Rock. Now, back to reality. You interested?” Sam asks.
“Send me a JD (job description) and the project particulars. The price of poker’s really going up this time, Sam. Stratospheric. Sorry, it’s all just business.” I relate.
“Yeah…,” Sam sighs, “I figure we’ll really owe you if you can drag our ass out of the campfire on this one.”
“You have no idea,” I chuckle. We exchange farewells and ring off.
Now I have some talking to do with my significant other.
Since we were all set to go back to Baja Canada, I could use those two weeks to go to Nevada, if necessary. I can be back in Houston with Es for the last two weeks before we’re slated to travel, and we can sort out the house.
“This won’t be an easy sell,” I muse, before chatting with my darling, brilliant, and ever-so-forgiving partner.
“I’ll need a drink first”, I declare.
Esme notes that it would be nice to have a little spare cash with us when we move overseas.
You could have dropped me with a Claymore. Es never fails to flummox me.
So, provisional OK from the powers that be. Now all I have to do is wait on Sam’s prospectus.
The next day, the doorbell rings. It’s Agents Rack and Ruin.
One is holding a box of very expensive cigars, and one is holding a bottle of very expensive bourbon.
I turn to Es and remark, “Look here, darlin’. Geeks bearing gifts.”
“Hello, Doctor,” Rack says, bristling, “We need to talk. “
“Why?” I ask, “I do seem to recall that I’m no longer associated with you people any longer.”
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin cocks his head contritely, bowing ever so slightly, “May we please have a moment of your time?”
I look to Es. She shrugs her shoulders. Luckily I’m partial to Es’ opinion. I am also partial to good bourbon and cigars, especially when someone else is paying for them. So I shrug my shoulders as well and tell them to make entry.
“My office, “ I say, “You know the way. Mind the boxes.”
Once in my office, the Agents stack their offerings and go on in great detail, basically collaborating Sam’s story. I remain steadfast and stony as the Harney Peak Granite of Mr. Rushmore fame. I’m not giving anything away any longer.
“Well, Doctor,” Agent Ruin finalizes, “That’s the story, warts and all.”
“Yep, it is pretty warty,” I agree, “So?”
“We would like to rekindle our relationship,” Agent Rack reports, “These are for starters.”
He hands me the cigars and booze; plus another box.
“Thanks,” I say, “But just because I accept your peace offerings, that doesn’t mean we’re going to turn back the clock.”
“What are you suggesting?” Agent Ruin asks.
“No more consulting,” I reply, “I want in. The ‘Full Monty’, as it were. If I’m going overseas and work for some twitchy Middle Eastern sandpit’s national oil company, I want perks, tabs, and my ass duly covered.”
“Work two full-time jobs simultaneously?” Agent Rack asks.
“However you want to structure it,” I say, “No more consulting. From here on out, you want me, you’re making me a full-fledged full-timer.”
Agents Rack and Ruin look at each other, enquiringly.
“Doctor,” Agent Rack replies, “We are prepared to offer you an ad hoc Agency appointment. You will be fully attached but you will be also doing your full-time job in the other country.”
“I’m listening. Tell me more,” I ask, “What exactly are you offering?”
“Full access to all pertinent information,” Agent Ruin continues, “Full entrée to appropriate facilities and, um, assets. Security for you and your family in case of, well, shall; we say, ‘difficulties’. Monthly minimum payment of [$$$] to any non-US bank of your choice. Extra duties would be duly compensated. Top clearances. An enhanced potential payment package, bonus possibilities, and full benefits for you.”
“Full benefits for me and my family,” I say, “Or there’s the door. Non-negotiable” I point out.
“Very well. That had been anticipated.” Agent Rack replies.
“Gentlemen,” I say, “Let us shake on what I hope turns out to be a beautiful relationship.”
We shake hands and I sign my life away. I’m really in it now, up to my neck. I have to learn to shut up more and just listen.
“Now, gents,” I say, “In order to seal the deal, let us break out the drinking stuff you’ve brought along. We will also smoke together so that we will know there will be no lies or deceit between us.”
“Also anticipated, Doctor,” both agents agree.
My ‘new’ old colleagues prepare to leave a while later, after a cigar, and far too much of what was a full bottle of expensive gift booze. They always get you in the end.
Contained within the other small box were my new Agency credentials, updated version satellite phone, secure codes, and a nifty new Swiss Army Knife, with a built-in cigar cutter.
With renewed dedication and expectations all ‘round, Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave.
They hope to be able to meet me and the family, remember, they are Uncles Rack and Ruin, overseas one day in the not too distant future. My information, further updated cards, registration, and all that official business guff will come to the specific Middle Eastern country’s US Embassy for me once we arrive and get settled.
“Marvelous,” I muse.
I receive an Email from Dr. Muleshoe explaining what we talked about and his hopes for my stickhandling a ‘quick’ 2-week field excursion for the approximately 15 Ph.D. types from around North America. Seems there’s a couple of Canadians and one Mexican professor that expressed desires to join. They had actually forwarded funds to be included in our number.
Sam suggests I drive out in my truck and proceed as per the last trip. Get the trailer, fill it with noisemakers, and the Bureau would sort out transportation and lodging for the attendees. Seems some want to camp, like real geologists, and some want to lodge in hotels, like real non-geologists.
I write Sam back:
First item: this is a 2-week sojourn into the desert. It’s a field meeting, emphasis on the field, not a tour of Nevada’s many fine hotels, resorts, and casinos.
Item two: I no longer possess my truck. The Bureau will provide me with the appropriate vehicular equivalent. No passengers, this will be the Camp Chief truck from the onset. Besides, I am the only one licensed to drive the vehicle when coupled to an explosives-laden trailer.
Item three: I will be flown to and from Reno from Houston. No buses, trains, or automobiles. It’s business class or zilch.
Item the fourth: the Bureau will source the necessary support logisticians to provide food, drink, and toilet paper for the 16 professionals while we are in the field. They will also need to provide cooks, dishwashers, camp tidiers, and the like as I don’t have time to deal with 15 potentially field-fresh, whiny waterhead PhDs.
Item the fifth: The Bureau will provide for all pre- and post-trip handling of participants. They can handle hotel rooms for the early arrivers or late-stayers. They can manage arrivals, registration, signing of necessary documents, and assuring vaccination records are up to snuff, waivers are signed, etc. They will also handle the transportation of participants to/from and during the field project, when and where necessary.
Item the sixth: I include a new version of my contract. Force Majeure, ‘Take or Pay’ clause. Door to door coverage. Plus my, ahem, augmented day rate. Absolutely non-negotiable.
Item seven: I have final say over what is done in the field. I am in command, the boss, the head cheese, the head honcho, and I require absolute discipline, especially where explosives are concerned. “My way or the highway” will be the theme of the trip. Gain, non-negotiable.
To be continued.

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So instead, I built a website, Team Profit, that:
  Is completely free
  Uses animated video guides to teach people (link)
  Has infographics to accompany all video guides
  Provides step by step guides for 25+ bookmaker offer which will make you £600+ risk free (link)
I have amended the video script over 50 times to try to make it as concise and helpful as possible, hopefully they are a good watch!
Any feedback on the videos, guides, blog or anything else, please let me know, I spend every day adding new content and improving existing content.
If you are thinking of learning matched betting and making £600+ risk free, please check it out!
www.teamprofit.com
 
MEGA FAQs GUIDE TO MATCHED BETTING
 
The video guides I posted above will teach you everything about matched betting.
However, I figure no harm in me writing down everything I know about matched betting in an FAQ style layout. Hopefully this will be useful to you.
I have tried to answer every question as concise as possible / no rambling :D
I have split the FAQs into the following sections:
 
INTRODUCTION
1) What exactly is matched betting and how I do make money risk free?
2) How popular is matched betting?
3) Does it involve gambling?
4) How much money will I need to start?
5) How much time will it take me to learn matched betting?
 
OFFERS & YOUR PROFIT
1) How much money can I make matched betting from the welcome offers (new customer only)?
2) How much is a free bet worth in actual cash profit?
3) After I have finished the Welcome Offers, how much money can I make matched betting each month from Daily Offers (existing customer offers)?
4) What type of Daily Offers are available?
 
BOOKMAKERS AND BETTING EXCHANGES
1) Which bookmakers have the best welcome offers?
2) Which bookmakers have the best offers for existing customers?
3) What is mug betting?
4) What is a betting exchange?
5) How do we use a betting exchange?
 
ADDRESSING COMMON CONCERNS
1) How sustainable is matched betting?
2) Will it impact my credit rating?
3) Do the bookmakers have terms to stop customers from withdrawing?
4) Do I need to know about sports?
 
WHICH WEBSITES TEACH MATCHED BETTING - YOUR OPTIONS
1) Where can you learn matched betting?
 
ADDITIONAL FAQS
1) Depositing and withdrawing
2) Sending identification documents
Any questions that haven’t been answered please add a comment and I’ll add the FAQ and answer.
 
INTRODUCTION
 
1) What exactly is matched betting and how I do make money risk free?
There are more than 25 online bookmakers in the UK. In order to attract new customers, they each offer free bets, known as ‘Welcome Offers’.
In total they offer over £800 in free bets to new customers.
In order to receive the free bet, bookmakers require you to place your first bet. An example offer is ‘Bet £5, Get £20 free bet’.
The risk is that you could lose both the £5 bet (your own cash) and the £20 free bet.
By using a technique called matched betting, we remove this risk.
This is because we match our first £5 bet on the bookmaker with a £5 bet on a betting exchange on the opposite outcome (this is known as a ‘lay bet’).
For example, we bet £5 on Man Utd to win on the bookmaker, and £5 on Man Utd not to win on the betting exchange.
As we have now bet on all outcomes, regardless of whether Man Utd win, draw or lose, we will neither win nor lose money. However, we have received the £20 free bet!
With the £20 free bet, we can now repeat this process by betting on say Liverpool to win on the bookmaker and Liverpool not to win.
This time, because we are using a £20 free bet but our winnings are paid out in cash, we will always make a profit.
We repeat this process for 25+ bookmakers, one by one. In total we can convert the £800+ in free bets to over £600+ in actual cash profit, in very little time at all.
 
2) How popular is matched betting?
Matched betting isn’t new and has been around since at least 2005.
However, it is only since 2015 that it has really increased in popularity due to the rise of websites teaching matched betting. You can see this trend here: Google Trends Link
By looking at the various matched betting sites popularity, a reasonable estimate is at least 25,000 people in the UK are matched betters. You can see a review of sites that teach matched betting in the ‘Which websites teach matched betting?’ section below.
 
3) Does it involving gambling?
This is the most common assumption with matched betting. You’d be forgiven for thinking that it did involve gambling simply because the name ‘matched betting’ would suggest it did.
However, matched betting does not involve gambling, you will never be risking a penny.
Because we are always covering the opposite outcome occurring, there is never any risk we will lose money. Furthermore, we still receive the free bets which we will where we make our profit.
The profitability and risk free nature of matched betting has been reviewed in the Daily Telegraph and the Guardian
 
4) How much will I need to start?
You can start with as little as you want, however the lowest I would recommend starting with would be £25.
With £25, you can start your first bookmaker welcome offer and make a deposit into your first betting exchange, meaning you can start making a profit.
For more details, see this Starting with £25 guide.
The downside, with only £25 you are restricted by having to wait for withdrawals before you can move onto the next offer.
Therefore, I would say an optimal amount to have available for your cash flow would be in the region of £200 as this allows you to complete multiple welcome offers simultaneously.
 
5) How long will it take me to learn matched betting?
To learn the principles of matched betting, it will take up to 20 minutes.
To become familiar with completing your first offer, I would set aside another 30-60 minutes so you can take your time and ensure you are completing it correctly.
For example, the video guides on Team Profit last a total of 21 minutes (8 minutes for the explainers videos and 13 minutes to watch the step-by-step real time example). Although they last just 21 minutes, some users watch certain parts of the video again to become comfortable with the process.
It is very much recommended to avoid trying to learn matched betting by yourself. There are thousands of experienced matched betters who can help you. For more details on this, see the ‘Which Websites Teach Matched Betting’ section.
If you need any help anytime, please do comment in this Reddit thread and I’ll help you out.
 
OFFERS
 
1)How much money can I make matched betting from the welcome offers (new customer only)?
From the welcome offer, you can make approximately £1,000 cash profit.
There are 25+ bookmaker offers available on sports for at least £600 profit. These are relatively straightforward offers and good value in terms of time to complete. It would take around 12 hours to complete these offers, which works around £40 / hour tax free. You can complete them over any time period you like.
There are at least another 5 bookmaker offers, such as Bet365 and BetVictor, though these require more time, you could make around £100 to £200. They require more time because the bookmaker requires you to bet many more times before you can withdraw.
Plus 20+ offers across casino and bingo, though some are not risk free and typically take more time to complete, but you should be able to make at least £200 profit from these offers.
So overall, there is an easy £600 profit risk free, then up to another £400 if it’s worth your time to do them.
 
2) How much is a free bet worth in actual cash profit?
A £10 free bet is worth between £5 to £8 in actual cash profit.
The reason for the range is because the higher odds you choose for your free bet, the more actual cash profit you will make.
For example, if you bet on a football team with odds of 2.0, the £10 free bet will convert to around £5 cash profit. Whereas if you bet on a football team that is unlikely to win, with odds of say 6.0, the £10 free bet will convert to around £8 cash profit.
Note though, the higher odds you choose, the more you will need in your betting exchange account in case the bet wins. For a detailed explanation with examples, read this free bet profit article.
 
3) After I have finished the Welcome Offers, how much money can I make matched betting each month (from existing customer offers)?
Anywhere from £100 to £1,000+ per month.
Bookmakers continue to run free bet offers to retain their customers, I refer to these as Daily Offers.
Daily Offers are typically less valuable than the welcome offers but still worth completing.
For example, rather than ‘Bet £5 Get £20’ that they offer to new customers, they may instead run ‘Bet £20 Get £10’ and on a particular football match.
I would say for people with a day job, aiming for between £300 to £500 a month is realistic. In terms of time required, for every hour you spend, you should make around £30 tax free.
So to make £300 a month, expect to spend around 2-3 hours a week. I’d say to earn more than this, you will likely need to accept a lower hourly rate and do some of the low value offers too.
If you are looking to make £1,000+, I’d expect you would have to be near full time and also be fortunate to keep your enough of your bookmaker accounts open for 12+ month period (what is mugging bet FAQ below).
 
4) What type of offers are available for existing customers?
 
Easy offers:
The most common easy offer on football matches is Bet £20 Get £10 free bet. Many bookmakers run this offer, though it will usually be on a particular football match.
The most common easy offer on horse racing is usually on SkyBet, who will run simple offers such as ‘Get £25 free bet if your horse comes 2nd or 3rd’.
There are also easy casino offers, such as ‘£5 risk free’, where you spin on slots and hope to win, if you don’t they’ll refund up to £5 of losses.
These offers can make you up to £300 per month (or £500 on a good month with European football) and are easy for those with a day job.
 
Harder offers:
If you are looking to make more than £300 to £500 a month, then you will need to spend time on Saturday’s completing horse racing offers on Channel 4 racing and during the week too, though Saturday’s are the most profitable.
Plus you will need to do more advanced offers such as football accumulator refunds, each way offers, though I will leave these aside given they could have their own separate thread :p
If you’d like to understand where you can learn more about these offers, see ‘Which sites teach matched betting?’ FAQ below.
 
BOOKMAKERS AND BETTING EXCHANGE
 
1) Which bookmakers have the best welcome offers?
 
There are 3 formats of bookmakers welcome offers.
 
‘Bet £X Get £Y free bet’ - these are the most straightforward. Simply place your first bet and receive a free bet.
This format of welcome offer, ranging from Bet £5 Get £20 to Bet £50 Get £50, is available on Coral, SkyBet, BetBright, Betfred, Paddy Power, BetStars, William Hill, Stan James, Betway, Ladbrokes, TitanBet, 32Red and MarathonBet.
 
‘Refunds’ (also known as Risk Free offers) - these are similar to Bet £X Get £Y free bet. The only difference is you only receive your free bet if your first bet loses, hence I refer to these offers are refund offers.
This format of welcome offer is, ranging from £10 to £50 refunds, is available on Bwin, Dafabet, UniBet, Totesport, 188Bet, SuperLenny, Genting and 888Sport.
 
‘Multi Bets’ - these welcome offers require multiple bets to be placed before receiving your reward. It can take form of a bonus which requires to bet £X amount until you can withdraw any winnings, or the form of a cash reward once you have bet £X amount.
This format of welcome offer is available on Bet365, BetVictor and some other bookmakers, however they often require such a large amount of betting that I haven’t included them in this list.
The quickest to complete are the Bet £X Get £Y due to their simplicity, then the next best are the ‘Refunds’ offers.
The Multi Bet offers can be very valuable (e.g. Bet£365’s offer is worth over £150 profit risk free) but can also require much larger deposits in order to place the bookmaker bets and lay these bets in your Exchange.
 
For details of each bookmaker offer, see this Welcome Offer List & Guides
 
2) Which bookmakers have the best offers for existing customers?
 
Bookmakers vary in their level of generosity to existing customers. This is a little subjective, but in my opinion, this is the ranking of bookmakers for existing customers:
 
Best: Bet365
Bet365 run a £50 Risk Free offer most months (sometimes twice a month during popular football months) which is worth £35. It is very quick to complete (less than 10 minutes) so for £35 to £70, or around £500 a year, it is a great offer.
Plus they have one of the best horse racing offers, up to a £50 risk free bet if your pick a winning horse with high odds. This is a profitable offer worth around £20-£30 a week, or up to £1,000 to £1,500 a year.
 
Second Best: SkyBet
SkyBet run regular £5 to £25 free bet offers on horse racing and football, plus regular £5 risk free offers in SkyVegas.
 
Third & Fourth Best: Coral and Paddy Power
Both these sites run regular horse racing, price boosts and football offers (Bet £20 Get £10 in particular), at least £20 to to be made on every week from these two sites.
 
Good: William Hill, Ladbrokes, BetStars, Stan James, Betway, Bwin, Betfred, Totesport, 188Bet, 888, BetVictor
All these bookmakers run offer(s) each week so it’s worth ensuring you have completed the welcome offer for each of these sites so you can take advantage of their daily offers for existing customers.
 
3) What is mug betting?
If you are only ever betting when you receive an offer, the bookmaker will no longer allow your account to receive free bet offers (this is known as being ‘gubbed’).
To get around this, you should place ‘mug’ bets. ‘Mug’ bets are simply bets that a ‘mug’ punter would place. Mug bets include £1 accumulators (betting on several teams to win) and betting on favourites without an offer.
Most advice suggests that for every offer you receive, you should place 2-3 mug bets.
If you are gubbed, it does kinda suck when you receive the email, as you can no longer profit from the bookmaker’s offers.
It is also becoming increasingly common as bookmakers are noticing more suspected matched bettors, due to its increasing popularity. My advice is to make money whilst you can and take sensible precautions to try to keep your account active.
For more details, see this Mug Betting article
 
4) What is a betting exchange?
A betting exchange is a marketplace for customers to bet between each other on the outcome of particular events. This differs from a traditional bookmaker because an exchange also gives you the ability to be the bookmaker yourself and take bets from other exchange users.
Standard bookmakers generate profit by offering odds that are in their favour. Betting exchanges explained in terms of how they generate revenue is they charge a commission on any winnings a player receives.
The two market leading betting exchanges are, Betfair and Smarkets.
For more details, Betting Exchanges Comparison.
 
5) How we use betting exchanges?
When matched betting, a betting exchange is used to place our lay bets (the opposite bet to our trigger bet). So when we place the trigger bet with the bookmaker on one outcome to release the initial free bet, we must also cover the opposite outcome so that if the bookmaker bet does lose we still win on the lay bet - making it risk free!
Similarly when we are placing the free bet bet with the bookmaker we then lay off that bet using the exchange and because we’re using a free bet but being paid out in cash, this is how we turn free bets into withdrawable cash.
We only ever use betting exchanges for lay bets.
 
ADDRESSING COMMON CONCERNS
 
1) How sustainable is matched betting?
Matched betting over the past 6-9 months has become harder. Most bookmakers have realised they are thousands of matched betters taking advantage of their offers and so have either reduced the generosity of their offers or have made the daily offers more complicated.
However, there is still intense competition between the bookmakers, meaning they will always run special offers to an extent.
By spending a few hours a week, you can still make £300 to £500 a month, whereas in past year(s) this figure could have been £500 to £800.
The biggest issue matched betters face is being ‘gubbed’. As explained in the mug betting FAQ, this is when a bookmaker restricts you from receiving free bets and bonuses.
There are various theories as to how a particular bookmaker decides to to gub a customer. Reasons include taking up too many offers, winning a high % of bets, withdrawing regularly, placing bets far in advance or at irregular times.
The truth is nobody really knows precisely why people gubbed. However, you can expect to get gubbed at some point from a particular bookmaker, it may be 2 months, it may be 2 years, it is hard to know.
I really think though that everyone can make up to £1,000 from the Welcome Offers and at least £300 to £500 a month without any problems. I think the issues comes when you are making £1,000+ every month which sooner or later bookmakers will catch up that you are taking up a lot of offers.
Having said this, some people say they have been making £1,000+ every month for years, so maybe it is possible if you are using a wide variety of bookmakers and consistently placing mug bets.
 
2) Will it impact my credit rating?
Having betting activity on your bank statement does not impact your credit rating.
The only thing to be wary of when making betting deposits and withdrawals is that it can affect your application for a mortgage. So if you’re planning on applying for a mortgage in the near future then I’d recommend using a separate bank account to that which you’ll be applying for the mortgage with.
 
3) Do the bookmakers have terms to stop customers from withdrawing?
The vast majority of welcome offers do not have any withdrawal restrictions.
A handful of welcome offers do but this will be state in the terms and conditions. It is much easier though to use a matched betting website as they will clearly highlight the key terms of each offer (see ‘Which websites teach matched betting’ section below).
Casino offers will almost always have withdrawal restrictions, however for the matched betting welcome offers we are focusing on sports betting.
 
4) Do I need to know about sports?
Not at all! You do not need a sports background or have any sort of betting knowledge, many matched betters do not know anything about sport or betting before learning matched betting.
You may learn matched betting a little faster if you have sports betting experience but it really isn't important at all.
 
WHICH WEBSITE TEACH MATCHED BETTING - YOUR OPTIONS
 
There are 30+ websites that three key stages to matched betting:
Stage 1) Learning matched betting
Stage 2) Completing the Welcome Offers (for new customers)
Stage 3) Profiting in the long term from Daily Offers (for existing customers)
Below I have tried to cover the main sites that will help you with each of these stages.
 
In summary, I may be biased :p but I think the:
Stage 1) and Stage 2) best approach is to use TeamProfit.com
Stage 3) Join a paid membership site, either OddsMonkey.com, ProfitAccumulator.co.uk or ProfitMaximiser.co.uk to continue to make money from the Daily Offers.
 
FREE SITES:
 
TeamProfit.com (link)
I really believe Team Profit is the best site to learn matched betting and complete the welcome offers, but compare us to the other sites and see what you think!
Learn matched betting with animated videos (link)
25+ Welcome Offers using the step by step guides (link)
A free Facebook group to provide help to you anytime you need (link).
 
MoneySavingExpert.com (link)
The advantage of MoneySavingExpert is the sheer volume of content, covering all aspects of matched betting.
The disadvantage of MoneySavingExpert it is not well structured as it is just one forum with a long lists of posts so it takes quite a while to find relevant threads and miss key information.
 
MatchedBettingBlog.com (link)
The advantage of MatchedBettingBlog is the clear layout of the daily offers posted each day for with step by step instructions. It’s a good site to check to avoid missing the best and easier daily offers. The forum community also helps to post additional offers on top of those listed on the homepage, and also provides general advice on completing daily offers.
The disadvantage of MatchedBettingBlog is it is relatively limited in terms of teaching matched betting and does not provide a clear list of welcome offers. Also, for those looking to make £500+ every month, it doesn’t provide any software to help with the more advanced types of matched betting with daily offers, such as horse racing refunds and accumulator refunds, that the paid member sites offer.
Additional free matched betting sites include:
Matchedbettingfree.co.uk (link) (Reddit thread link)
Freebets4all.com (link)
 
PAID SITES:
 
Paid sites usually charge £15 to £25 a month.
In return, they will teach matched betting, provide list of welcome offers and provide daily offers too. Additionally, most paid sites will also provide software that helps to make you more money plus save you time.
 
OddsMonkey.com (link | non)
OddsMonkey charge £15 per month or £150 per year.
They are the most well known provider of matched betting software. Earlier this year, they added the full range of matched betting services, so now they provide all of the below:
Tutorial articles
Welcome offer step by step guides
Daily offers calendar
Software: OddsMatcher, Horse Racing Refunds, Tennis Refunds, range of calculators and spreadsheet
Forum
The advantage of OddsMonkey is the exceptional value. They have the best range of software and tools for matched betters to maximise their profits, are consistently bringing up new tools at no added cost. At only £15 per month it is one of the best options to consider.
The only disadvantage is the forum is not as busy as the next two options, ProfitAccumulator and Profit Maximiser. Though the forum is still a sufficiently active to ensure any questions have you are answered quickly.
 
Profit Accumulator (Link - Chazmer87's I don't have one | non)
Profit Accumulator charge £23 per month or £150 per year
Profit Accumulator helped to bring matched betting to the main stream with a highly active community. There are clear similarities between OddsMonkey and Profit Accumulator in terms of their high standard of software and offers.
The advantage of Profit Accumulator is their very active community. There is a great deal of advice in virtually every aspect of matched betting and the information is all well structured. Plus they have a very good offers coverage.
The only disadvantage to Profit Accumulator is the higher cost. The membership itself is £23 per month, plus their version of the Horse Racing Refunds software is £10 per month, or £115 a year. So in total you are paying £33 per month versus OddsMonkey’s £15 per month.
 
Profit Maximiser (Link | non)
Profit Maximiser is run by the original matched betting guru Mike Cruickshank.
Mike has been building software for matched betters for many years and has a very active Facebook Group.
Each piece of software is sold separately, I believe the below is accurate, each have their own £1 free trials:
Bonus Bagging £27 plus VAT - provides a list of all welcome offers and teaching (Link | non)
Profit Maximiser £97 plus VAT - provides all daily offers (Link | non)
Each Way Sniper £47 plus VAT - provides a horse racing betting system (Link)
Accumulator Generator £149 plus VAT - provides a football betting system (Link)
I believe Mike may have a couple more tools, if so I’ll edit this post if you could please comment / send me a message.
The advantage of Mike’s products is that there is no monthly recurring fee, so if you intend to do this for many months, it may work out profitable to do so. Plus from what I understand their Facebook Group finds some lucrative casino loophole offers faster than other matched betting providers.
The disadvantage of Mike’s products is that you have to buy each product separately rather than having it all within one simple account. Additionally, the total cost if you were to buy all 4 above listed products is £320 + VAT (total cost £384) whereas you could receive all these tools for £15 per month from Oddsmonkey. Having said that, Mike’s products do come with a £1 free trial, just be careful to cancel before the trial ends if you don’t want to continue.
Additional free matched betting sites include: Yes Bets link
Pure Profit link
 
ADDITIONAL
 
1) Depositing and withdrawing
To ensure you qualify for the Welcome Offer, use a bank card to deposit into your newly set up bookmaker account. Most sites will allow Paypal too though check the terms and conditions.
If you use Skrill or Neteller, typically you will not qualify for the Welcome Offer (bookmakers have this rule to prevent fraud) but you can check the terms and conditions.
Withdrawing is easy, you should receive your funds within 1-3 working days depending on the bookmaker.
 
2) Sending identification documents
Occasionally, bookmakers may require to send in identification documents (passport or drivers licence for example) and a copy of your bank card. This is to prevent fraud. This usually happens if you are not listed on the Electoral Roll or there is a difference between your home address and billing address. Simply take a photo of the documents they ask for and email them back.
 
THAT COMPLETES THE MEGA FAQ GUIDE TO MATCHED BETTING!
 
If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please do post a comment thanks!
 

I have been playing poker for over 10 years (almost 30 years old). I used to play semi pro down in Southern California for a few years while going to college to pay the bills, going every other day during the week for nearly a few years.
I moved to Austin, Texas not too long ago and they unfortunately do not have any casinos close by, but they do have a really awesome league called the "Texas Fantasy Poker League." A company will go into bars/restaurants and host freerolls. The winners get points towards a big tournament every year to play in the WSOP. It's really a smart business idea because it drives people into bars/restaurants during the week where it's typically slow. Generates some extra cash for the business.
Also, another great perk is that if someone gets knocked out, they can get back into the tourney by purchasing a round of drinks for everyone. One guy went all in 1st hand and before you know it, I've got a free beer in front of me. No tip required because it's on his credit card. :)
Anyways, I haven't played a live game in maybe over 2 years so I wanted to give you an idea that I knowledgeable of the game but very rusty, wanted to get an idea of what you thought about this hand.
I'm BB (400/800) with 6 minutes left until next level (levels are 12 min). I have about 18K. There's 4 tables and if I had to guess I was below the average and ranked somewhere around 20/32. When people buy back in they also get more chips. Those that have merchandise from TFLP.net also get a bonus 5K to start the tournament.
Anyways, 3 people at my table have about 40K and everyone else is around where I'm at.
I have Ad 10s
BB+1 calls BB+3 raises to 3700 BB+4 calls BB+6 calls SB calls Action is now on me. I thought about pushing but would likely get a call from the original raiser because he's been playing semi tight and the look on his face appeared to be that he had a high pair.
I decide to call because there is too much in the pot to fold with me already 800 in. The guy to my left also calls (Biggest stack at the table, regular player in the league, plays premium hands).
Flop comes As 2d 4s
SB checks to me.
At this point I feel like with the Ace pair I'm probably good because of the following:
If the originally raiser has a high pocket pair, I have him beat.
The guy to my left is a good regular player. He's raised with premium hands. If he had an ace, he would've re-popped it with the amount of chips he had.
Everyone else at the table has been playing really loose except for SB who is an 80 year old NIT. The only one that scares me is this chick that was eating some chocolate ice cream that has been playing extremely tight. She just called preflop so I put her on a mid range pair or something like QJ suited.
I figure I'm good unless someone hit a set or is lucky with A 2 or A 4. With the next level being 500/1000, I could definitely see one more round of cards but then I'm all in anyways within 8-10 hands because blinds then go to 1000/2000.
With the pot I believe to be 22,200 and all of this reasoning factored in I went all in. I could always hit a TEN for two pair or runner runner flush.
The guy to my left IMMEDIATELY snap goes all in. I figure I have him beat by the quicker or he got lucky with that A 2/ A 4 because he would likely raise all in with small pairs (he did it before).
The original raiser thinks long and hard about it. My read was correct and he has KK or QQ. He nearly has the same amount of chips as me so there's no way he's folding an ace with solid kicker or flush draw.
Now it gets to that chocolate eating chick. She snap goes all in with 30K.
We all flip.
Guy to my left has A 8.
Chocolate chick has 6 3 off suit (she needs a fuckin 5 gutshot)
Turn is a 7.
River is a 5.
DUH FUQ?
Why she risked her whole tournament on a gutshot you ask me....maybe because she was able to buy back in?
So gents and gentas, what do you think? If anything I really don't think I played it wrong post flop because that is a pretty good flop for me. If anything I feel like I should've just went all in pre-flop but IDK why I would want to do that with A 10 offsuit when a whole table calls and the original raiser would definitely call me with a pocket pair.
Thoughts?

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• Nine West: Enter For A Chance to Win $1000! (12/20/15)
  
• Murder a Relative for Christmas Giveaway ($25 Amazon card + you get to choose the name of a murder victim in this author's next book) (12/20/2015)
  
• Enter to win your Jared Holiday 2015 Wishlist (12/20/2015)
  
• Enter the Sound of Christmas Giveaway! 12/20/2015
  
• Win 1 Of These Amazing Prizes!! 7 Fabulous Prizes Up For Grabs! (ipad, tv lcd..etc) (12/20/2015)
  
• WIN a $250 Williams-Sonoma Gift Card & Crofter's Organic For a Year! (12/20/2015) US CAN
  
• Win A $50 Walmart Gift Card! (12/20/2015)
  
• Kay Merry Match. Jewelry from Kay Jewelers (12/20/2015)
  
• Anyone interested in this IG Giveaway? I'm passing on it. OPIStarlight 12/20/2015
  
• Loom & Leaf luxury mattress giveaway ($1,399 value) - made in the USA! - ends 12/20/2015
  
• Kay Merry Match Instant Win Game! 12/20/2015
  
• Heat 3 Special Force Glove Giveaway (12/20/15)
  
• FF7 for PS4: Review and Multi-Giveaway. (12/20/15)
  
• Timi & Leslie Bag Giveaway ($160 value) (12/20/2015)
  
• Cadbury Chocolate Basket Sweepstakes (12/20/2015)
  
• [FB] Enter Wilsons Leather Reindeer Games Giveaway for a $200 giftcard! (12/20/15)
  
• Win a $50 Amazon Gift Card! (12/20/2015)
  
• Mimoco's Mystery Giveaway Weekly Twitter Contest 12/20/15
  
• Win various merch from the band Twiddle (12/20/2015)
  
• $300 Gift Cards for Jared Jewelry (10 Winners) (12/20/15)
  
• M Resort Spa Casino: Win a Vegas Holiday Getaway! (12/20/2015)
  
• Win a $100 Etsy Giftcard (12/20/2015)
  
• (12/20/15) Gogo Inflight Internet SeV/GoGo Inflight Contest : Bring IT like Guy Kawasaki! - iPad Pro and more!! Gogo Concourse
  
• [Gleam]Win a Luxurious Shiseido makeup prize pack! (12/20/2015)
  
• Win a Syma X5SW Drone /Open to all/ (12/20)
  
• CoinWeek Giveaway #101 – Certified Coin Giveaway (12/20/2015)
  
• Icelantic skis and goggles (12/20/2015)
  
• Day 16 – Loom & Leaf Foundation Christmas Giveaway | Sleepopolis (12/20/2015)
  
• Win an Apple TV 4, Netflix subscription, UnoTelly subscription and more! (12/20/15)
  
• Gift Guide to Craft Coffee Brewers and KitchenAid Precision Press Coffee Maker giveaway (12/20/15)
  
• Win a trip for 2 to Nicaragua from General Assembly (12/20/2015)
  
• $250 QVC Gift Card (12/20/2015)
  
• Cadbury Chocolate Basket Sweepstakes (12/20/2015)
  
• Win a Kindle Fire HD 6 or $100 Amazon Gift Card from Author Alexa Wilder (12/20/2015)
  
• Win a Year of Loot Crate! (12/20/2015)
  
• XB Xmas Competition: Win a Sony Bluetooth Speaker BSP10 and SBH60 Headset courtesy of Clove | Xperia Blog | Worldwide! (12/20)
  
• $50 GameStop gift card (12/20/15)
  
• TakeTV Win a Gaming PC from MIFCOM (12/20/2015)
  
• To celebrate HSCXII powered by MIFcom we're giving away some awesome prizes in cooperation with our partners NEEDforSEAT, EIZO and Lioncast (12/20/2015)
  
• CW33’s 12 Days of Christmas Giveaway! Multiple prizes, one each day! (12/20/15)
  
• Elzetta Tactical Light Giveaway (12/20/2015) 12 hours left
  
• WIN StarCraft II HSC Edition PC (12/20/2015)
  
• Win a Military Style Duffel Bag from Holtz Leather! 1 day only! (12/20/2015)
  
• Win this “I am Juicy Couture” fragrance! | Dave Lackie (12/20)
  
• Win a Marmot Trailhead sleeping bag from Teton Sports (12/20)
  
• Enter to win a 55" Smart HD Roku TV (12/20/2015)
  
• Win a MSI GK-701 GAMING Keyboard, MSI Interceptor DS200 GAMING Mouse, MSI DS502 GAMING Headset, MSI Sistorm GAMING Mouse Pad - open WW (12/20/15)
  
• Win TrekStor MiniPC W1 - shipping only free in germany (12/20/15)
  
• [Gleam] Resident Evil 4 & Revelations 2 (12/20/15)
  
• $4600 worth of amazing tech gear (12/20/2015)
  
• Win a Earlex SprayPort 6003 HVLP System! Worth $550! (12/20/2015)
  

Ending 2015-12-21:

• Win a Nexus 6P from AndroidHeadlines (12/21/2015)
  
• Sybian Christmas Giveaway! Open to 31 countries, this is a raunchy/sexy website, do not click if you are easily offended. Ends 12/21/2015
  
• Win a $25 Amazon gift card - the holidays are coming! (12/21/15)
  
• Kinivo HD Bluetooth Audio Receiver (12/21/2015)
  
• Win an iMac or other Mystery Prizes (12/21/15)
  
• Enter our sweepstakes to win a Sweet Dreams® Bed! (12/21/15)
  
• Win a FREE Tamron Prime Lens of Your Choosing - Either the New 35mm or 45mm f1.8 | Fstoppers (12/21/2015)
  
• Enter to win organic and natural goodie bag (6 different brands) (12/21/2015)
  
• Win a 4th Generation Apple TV from SnagFreeSamples (12/21/2015)
  
• utdoor Edge Game Processor (12/21/2015)
  
• Win an entry to any Spartan Race in the continental U.S., $200 value (12/21/15)
  
• Win a new 55" Phillips 4K TV (12/21/2015)
  
• Win a SWIG luxury hip flask, open WW (12/21/15)
  
• 12/21/15 Enter the #Minnetonka WishList Giveaway-1 winner per week
  
• Win $500 meat from D'Artagnan (12/21/15)
  
• FIFA '16 Xbox One Bundle (12/21/15)
  
• Win Doctor Who TARDIS Headphones (12/21/15)
  
• Enter to win an Apple Watch or Orbit Key one of 10 (12/21/2015)
  
• Apple TV (12/21/15)
  
• Win $2000: $1000 Shoptiques GC, $500 Crane & Canopy GC, and $500 Liquor.com GC (12/21/2015)
  
• Win a Lifetime Access to Elegant Themes (12/21/2015)
  
• Win a $500 Amazon Gift Card (12/21/2015)
  
• Win a $400 Amazon Gift Card (12/21/2015)
  
• Win a Titanium USB Drive containing the movie Ticket to Ride in 4k video format with extras (12/21/2015)
  
• Enter to win a Step2 Spin & Go Xtreme Cruiser! Value $200 12/21/2015
  
• Win a 40" LED TV and a wall mount from Sanus! (12/21/15)
  
• win a signed guitar and more 2015 CMA artist Chris Stapleton! (12/21/15)
  
• Win a $1,000 Mall at Wellington Green Holiday Shopping Spree in West Palm Beach, Florida (12/21/2015)
  
• Church's Chicken Meal Passes Giveaway (12/21/15)
  
• Win the latest Samsung Galaxy Tab S2 9.7" (12/21)
  
• $50 STEAM/XBOX/PS4 CHRISTMAS GIVEAWAY! (12/21/2015)
  
• $500 PayPal Cash Giveaway - Social Media Account Required To Enter (12/21/2015).
  
• SkinCareRx 12 Days of Giveaways! (Final Day is Worth $1354) (12/21/2015)
  
• (12/21/15) Aootek Foldable LED Desk Lamp Clock and Giveaway - Dragon Blogger Technology
  
• [FB] Enter to win the 12DaysOfSPEED giveaway via toyotires! (12/21/15)
  
• Winner's Choice of iPad Air or Apple Watch (12/21/2015)
  
• Win a Crane Germ Defense Humidifier 12/21/15
  
• 12 Days Of Giving: 12 Chances To WIN from Slyde Handboards! Ends 12/21/2015
  
• Win 12 Days of Merry with LACTAID, prizes like Ghirardelli® Chocolate, enter daily (12/21/15)
  
• $500 KICKSUSA.com Shopping Spree (12/21/15)
  
• Win a VIP trip to Jamaica for Shaggy and Friends (12/21/15)
  
• $100 Kohl’s Giveaway! 12/21/2015
  
• Win a $250 Amazon Christmas Shopping Spree (12/21/15)
  
• Win A SONOS PLAY:5 (12/21/2015)
  
• Win 1 of 2 eBooks of The Last Wife of Attila the Hun (12/21)
  
• Miami Dolphins Tailgate Giveaway ends 12/21
  
• Mimoco's #WinThisWinter Prize Pack Contest! Week Three! 12/21/2015 Open Worldwide!
  
• Win a Beats 2.0 Wireless Portable Speaker from Sessions X! (12/21/15)
  
• Win an Apple TV and 2 LIFETIME Plex Passes from Digital Trends (Ends 12/21/15)
  
• 2 Diamondback Bikes - One for you and one to give to someone (12/21/2015)
  
• Trail Camera, Spotlight, Firestarter w/ Knife, Rifle Case and Gun Cleaning Kit (12/21/15)
  
• Win a Trip to See Phases and Maroon 5 on NYE in Vegas! (12/21/2015)
  
• The Points Guy - Win 67500 American Airlines Miles! (12/21/2015)
  
• Enter to win $250 Techno glow credit (or one of four secondary prizes). They sell glow-in-the-dark powder and paint! (12/21/2015)
  
• Enter To Win A Stanley 65-Piece Homeowner’s Tool Kit – Drawing 12/21 at 3PM | maxwells attic
  
• Win a Litter-Robot Open Air™ Self-Cleaning, Automatic Litter Box- Day 20 (12/21/15)
  
• Win Geek & Sundry's final day of D20 - Gaming accessories prize pack: Several gorgeously craft dice sets and dice pouches, Card deck cases, D&D character Folio- Demogorgon, an ornate Realms of Havoc life counter, and more (12/21/15) 24 hours only!
  
• Win a philosophy “glowing days ahead” skincare set! | Dave Lackie (12/21)
  

Ending 2015-12-22:

• Win amazing prizes from HyperX, Intel, Gigabyte & ESL in the IEM San Jose Raffle! Main prize is a custom 6th Gen i7 Intel PC with Liquid Cooling! (12/22/2015)
  
• [gleam] Twisted Envy | WIN Personalized Chocolates! (12/22/15)
  
• Marsbox Bluetooth Speaker Giveaway (12/22/2015)
  
• Win a Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge, a $500 Visa Gift Card, and a $500 Vivid Seats Gift Card (Ends 12/22/15)
  
• Win a ProVari Radius vaporizer, $200 value (12/22/15)
  
• Win a 40" Samsung TV or an XBox One or a TShirt and Hoodie, or 10 packs of JerkyXP jerky (12/22/15)
  
• Roku Holiday Sweepstakes Ends 12/22/2015
  
• PRBC Holiday Bash Sweepstakes Enter to win a $250 Amazon Gift Card! (12/22/2015)
  
• [FB] Win $1,500 to redecorate (12/22/15)
  
• Houston Metro Area - Win a 7 day Carnival Cruise for 4 [Ends 12/22/15 @ 5:00 p.m.]
  
• Enter to win a REV Starter Set from WowWee for the Holidays! (12/22/15)
  
• $500 Gift Card - Chuao Chocolatier (12/22/15)
  
• WOODIE SPECS GIVEAWAY (Ends 12/22/2015)
  
• ENTER TO WIN THIS $430 GOAL ZERO YETI 150 SOLAR GENERATOR KIT (12/22/2015)
  
• [Steam] OCZ Steam Giveaway - Win a SSD or Steam Wallet Cash! (12/22/2015)
  
• Bashinski Fine Gems - Win an ‘14k Yellow “X” diamond ring with a round brilliant cut diamond .50 carat (RV $1,690)! (12/22/2015)
  
• Alienware and Team Liquid -The Night Befourth Christmas 12 Days of Giveaways 12/22/2015
  
• Win a Canon 6D + 24-105mm Lens (12/22/2015)
  
• Win a free entry to any Spartan Race from The Everyday Warrior (12/22/15)
  
• [FB] Keesler Federal Credit Union 12 Days of Giveaways! (12/22/15)
  
• Win A SONOS PLAY:5 - Hey Gents /Global/ (12/22)
  
• D'Artagnan $500 Shopping Spree (12/22/15)
  
• Gugu Guru Giveaway - Win $1700 in Baby Products Just in Time for Holidays including Stroller, Rockaroo, Earth Breeze Mattress, Breast Pump, Bottles, and More (12/22/15)
  
• 12 Days of TUSA free scuba diving gear (12/22/2015)
  
• Win an Actron CP9550 PocketScan Plus! (12/22/15)
  
• Win a North Face hoodie from Appalachian Outdoors! (12/22/15)
  
• Win a Yeti 20 Cooler from Odum Insurance! (12/22/15)
  
• Two tickets to the Chick-fil-a Peach Bowl (12/22/15)
  
• GoPro HERO4 Session Giveaway #1 (12/22/2015)
  
• HyperX H.O.T. Season III World Finals Giveaway #2 (High-End Gaming Computer Accessories and Parts) (12/22/2015)
  
• Steele and Borough Backpack + Gym Duffel Bag (12/22/2015)
  
• Win a Huawei G8 - open to all (12/22)
  
• Win In the Shadow of the Storm (12/22/2015)
  
• Win a Steele and Borough Backpack + Gym Duffel Bag (12/22/2015)
  
• Win an Amazon Echo (12/22/15)
  

Ending 2015-12-23:

• Enter to win a $250 wardrobe certificate. (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a $500 Visa (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a QNap TS 453 NAS - In French but Open WorldWide (12/23/2015)
  
• $250 Cash from mybizhookup (12/23/15)
  
• Win a $50 Amazon Gift Card & Signed Box-Set from Simone Chavous (12/23/2015)
  
• Enter to win the Build Your Own Breakfast giveaway! 12/23/2015
  
• $20 Gift Card of your choice for Video games (12/23/2015)
  
• Mega Giveaway Day 14 - RC Quad Copter (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a Razer Deathstalker Chroma (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a Nikon or Canon 135mm lens (12/23/15)
  
• JisuArt Holiday Giveaway (12/23/15)
  
• Enter to win Ted Baker Sully Rose Crystal Earrings (12/23/15)
  
• Happy Holiday Giveaway, win $5,000 from Bed Bath and Beyond! Ends 12/23
  
• Win Ozone 2016 C4 V6 kite for kiteboarding (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a Star Wars PS4 Battlefront Bundle OR $300 South West Airlines with $100 Visa Gift Card from BookByte (12/23/2015)
  
• Win the Saison Beauty Winter Face Collection! (12/23/15)
  
• Win an all-inclusive trip to St. Vincent from Blue Bay Travel! Other great prizes also available! (12/23/15)
  
• Enter to win a RYOBI 40v-X String Trimmer, a RYOBI Expand-It Blower Attachment and a RYOBI Expand-It Edger Attachment! (12/23/15)
  
• Win 1 of 3 Trampolines (12/23/15)
  
• Win a Jumbuck Stainless Steel 4 Burner Forum Hooded BBQ with Remadee (12/23/15)
  
• Enter to win a Nikon D5300 2 Lens Outfit (12/23/15)
  
• Win $750 of Elite Backpacking Gear (12/23/15)
  
• Win a Kindle Fire Tablet, Signed print books, and a mystery swag pack from Mina Carter! (12/23)
  
• Win a $100 AMEX gift card and Luvs diapers (12/23/2015)
  
• Season of Giving - 10 O'Coffee Club Christmas Log Cake Giveaway! (12/23/2015)
  
• Win the Megan Plays Gamestop Gift Card Holiday Giveaway! 1st Prize $60 2nd and 3rd Prize $30 (12/23/2015)
  
• WIN a $450 Brother SE400 Computerized Sewing machine (12/23/15)
  
• GIVEAWAY > MP7 | Entrega Especial (12/23/2015)
  
• Pintsized Fashionista - Gucci Clutch Giveaway (12/23/2015)
  
• WIN THIS $430 GOAL ZERO YETI 150 SOLAR GENERATOR KIT (12/23/15)
  
• Enter to win a $250 Visa Giftcard (12/23/2015)
  
• Watch Me Explode’s Mega DIY-Musician Home Studio Giveaway! (12/23/2015)
  
• $1000 GC for TJ Maxx, Marshall's and HomeGoods + 100 $100 GCs (12/23/15)
  
• Round Table Pizza: Enter to Win Free Pizza for 3 Months! Open to residents of California, Nevada, Arizona, , Washington, Alaska and Hawaii 12/23/2015
  
• MaidenOfWarfare's Holiday Giveaway - Win Fallout 4 for Xbox One 12/23
  
• Enter to Win a Kindle Fire HD6 ( kids edition ) (12/23/2015)
  
• Enter to win one of 13 prizes worth up to $500 (12/23/2015)
  
• Ultimate Yoga Giveaway with Glasstic Shatterproof Water Bottles! - Aurorae Yoga (12/23/2015)
  
• ASUS GeForce Week 3 Giveaway (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a Smart Weigh Digital/Mechanical Kitchen Scale! (12/23)
  
• Romantic Pack For Two - Candles, Wine, Chocolate (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a Copie of CS:GO as Steam Gift (12/23/15)
  
• [FB] Energems GIF Tag Giveaway - Make a GIF, Tag a Friend - 5 $1,000 visa gift card grand prizes (ends 12/23/2015)
  
• [FB] Scandinave Spa Blue Mountain 12 days of giveaways! Worth $55 - $3064!! Canadians only.. sorry! (12/23/2015)
  
• Win $250 to Grayers! (12/23/2015)
  
• New holiday giveaway for a $20 steam store gift card. Starts 12/18/2015 Ends 12/23/2015
  
• Win an SOG Survivalhawk tactical axe/tomahawk (12/23/15)
  
• Win a Polaris Ranger® EV - USA excl. AK and HI (12/23/2015)
  
• Win A 1 year membership to Headspace the premier mindfulness and meditation service ($156 value) ends 12/23/2015
  
• 12 Days of Cobalt Christmas 2015 - 12 Winners (12/23/2015)
  
• Win a Holiday Sweater, Fierce XL Smartphone and $50 Gift Card (12/23/15)
  
• Win a Fishman Fluence guitar pickup set, $225 value (12/23/15)
  
• Enter to win 1 of 10 limited edition Tootsie Roll model train sets. (12/23/2015)
  

Ending 2015-12-24:

• Enter to win the 50 Days of Cash Sweepstakes from JD Wentworth! Ends 12/24/2015
  
• Enter the Natural Nights Giveaway from Down & Feather Co. and WholeMom.com (12/24/15)
  
• Tractor Tools Direct | Caroni Rotary Tiller (12/24/15)
  
• Golf Digest: 2015 Holiday Gift Guide Giveaway !! 10 Winners !! (12/24/15)
  
• (12/24/15) Enter the @wideopencountry $500 @bootbarn Giveaway
  
• Paper Towns Giveaway (12/24/2015)
  
• $25 Amazon Gift Card Giveaway (12/24/2015)
  
• Enter to win a $1000! 12/24/2015
  
• iPad Mini 16GB Giveaway | Ratingle (12/24/2015)
  
• Enter to win a 5 oz silver coin! (12/24/15)
  
• Black Ops 3 Toasty Stickers Bundle Black Ops 3 Toasty Stickers Bundle (12/24/2015)
  
• Win one of 12 skin care holiday beauty prizes (12/24/2015)
  
• Win a Custom Built AMD Powered PC (12/24/2015)
  
• Win Gaming Hardware worth of €7.000 (12/24/15)
  
• Win an iPad Mini 4, urbeats by Dre, 1-year Audiobooks.com subscription and other Audiobooks perks! (12/24/15)
  
• 12/24/15 Enter for a chance to win $100 daily, $500 on Bonus Days!
  
• Need for Speed (2015) Giveaway (12/24/15)
  
• Win a 5oz .999 Silver Gwen Individually Numbered Proof Worth $249 (12/24/2015)
  
• Win an iPad Mini (12/24/15)
  
• Win the new Chromecast, Chromecast Audio, Nexus 6P, and a $50 Google Play gift card! (12/24/15)
  
• Win a $50 Amazon Gift Card from ugly-sweaters.com (12/24/2015)
  
• Win up to £500 cash (12/24)
  
• Enter to win a custom gaming PC (12/24/2015)
  
• Enter to win Awp Hyper Beast Factory New CS:GO Skin (12/24/2015)
  
• Win a $50 Amazon gift card & a Deluxe Stress Reduction gift pack (12/24/2015)
  
• Win 1 of 3 $250 Visa Gift Cards (12/24/15)
  
• Win a Logitech G933 Artemis Spectrum Wireless RGB Gaming Headset (12/24/2015)
  
• ★ Falchion Knife | Urban Masked Cs:GO Giveaway (12/24/2015)
  
• 25 Days of Gifting! 12-24-2015
  
• Win 1 of 5 iPhone 6 from gazelle - 12/24/15
  
• Win a three month subscription to Scent Trunk - US & Canada (12/24/2015)
  
• Win skis or other prizes from the Ski Utah Yeti (12/24/2015)
  
• Custom PS4 Giveaway (12/24/2015)
  
• CyberPc.fr PC giveaway (12/24/2015)
  
• Five (5) winners will receive a Chromecast Device, Chromecast Audio Device, $50.00 Google Play Gift Card, and a Nexus P6! (12/24/2015)
  
• MakersKit 12 Days of Giveaways. Enter to win some amazing gifts. One winner everyday during our 12 Days of Giving! (12/24/15)
  
• Imag Plus Ceramic Vaporizer from Vaped.com, Plus 9 Other Prizes! (12/24/15)
  
• QiStone+ Wireless Phone Charger (12/24/2015)
  
• Enter To Win $100 Amazon Gift Card (12/24)
  
• MSI Gaming Notebook & GT Omega Racing Chair (12/24/15)
  
• BikeBandit.com's Twelve Day Holiday Giveaway Sweepstakes! Not sure but I think 12/24/2015
  
• Enter to win $25 amazon gift card (12/24/2015)
  
• Aaron's December Holiday Countdown Sweepstakes, win a Samsung WasheDryer, a 65-inch Smart TV, PlayStation 4 and More! Ends 12/24
  
• Win a Bomboard portable modular jet ski water craft worth $3,995! (12/24/15)
  
• Enter to win $1000 Apple gift card, $10,000 diamond, PS4, Diamond rings (12/24/2015)
  
• MEGA GIVEAWAY DE NATAL: FIFA 16, PES 16, FM 2016 & NBA 2K16 (12/24/2015)
  
• Win £1000 Cash via PayPal /Global 16+/ (12/24)
  
• Christmas Drone Giveaway! DJI Phantom 3 Advanced Quadcopter Drone with 1080p HD Video Camera (12/24/2015)
  
• To celebrate our 100 year anniversary, we're joyfully giving away $100 every day during the TERRO 12 Days of Giveaways ! (12/24/15)
  
• ACCUWEATHER - WARM WINTER WISHES SWEEPSTAKES -Grand Prize (1): $1,000 Visa gift card. INSTANT WIN PRIZES: (13) $25 Visa gift cards, six (6) $50 Visa gift cards. (6) $100 Visa gift cards (12/24/15)
  
• Enter to win one year of sports bras. You'll receive a variety of brands and styles hand picked by one of our fit specialists just for you! (12/24/15)
  
• Enter to win a CSGO steam key (12/24/2015)
  
• Worth Ave Group 12 Days of Giveaways! iPads, more! 12/24/2015
  
• Win £2000 of Lingerie - or one of the daily prizes (12/24/15)
  
• LexMod Modern Living Giveaway - Win a Clear Casper Dining Chair! (12/24/2015)
  
• Win a Kindle Fire HD and a Netflix Subscription (12/24/15)
  
• Snuggin Giveaway (3 Winners) (12/24/2015)
  
• Win a $500 Choice Hotels Gift Card Sweepstakes! (12/24/2015)
  
• A trip to Mexico! Airfare, hotel, etc. 12/24/2015
  
• Kindle Fire 7" Giveaway! (12/24/2015)
  
• Win a super comfy Lull Mattress in the size of your choice!! Up to $950 value (ends 12/24/15)
  
• Enter to win a $200 Gift Card towards Keen Utility Boots from CopTool.com! (12/24/15)
  
• Win an EKKO Delay Pedal with AERO Wireless Controller worth $499! There will be three winners!! (12/24/2015)
  
• Win a laptop, a $50 Dell gift card, and more in the Intel Security Safe Holiday Countdown. (12/24/15)
  
• iPad Mini giveaway ! (12/24/2015)
  
• $50 Netflix gift card (12/24/15)
  
• Enter to win a stack of two joyful eternity rings. (12/24/2015)
  
• Win 2 VIP Tickets to Lights All Night 2015 (12/24/15)
  

Ending 2015-12-25:

• Tech-A-Day Giveaway | Les Olson Company (daily prize for 60days) (12/25/2015)
  
• Win Need for Speed for a Platform of your Choice (12/25/2015)
  
• Win a $200 Target Gift Card (12/25/15)
  
• Win Skylanders Supercharged (12/25/2015)
  
• WIN‬ An ‪‎Alexandra De Curtis‬ Bucket Bag! (12/25/2015)
  
• Sandberg Daily Advent Calendar Giveaway 2015 (worldwide)(12/25/2015)
  
• Litter-Robot Open Air (12/25/2015) (dialy giveaway)
  
• Win a Body Armor Kit (12/25/2015)
  
• Sleepopolis Christmas Giveaway Spectacular - 25 Days of Giveaways - $20,000 in Prizes! Grand prize winner - Leesa Mattress + 3 Day Getaway Christmas Giveaway | Sleepopolis ($1,600 value) (12/25/2015)
  
• Win a Pair of Sorel Waterproof Boots [US Only] (12/25/2015)
  
• Win Disney Infinity Items in the 25 Days of Disney Infinity Advent Calendar from Disney Infinity Codes (12/25/2015)
  
• Enter to Win a 32" HDTV, blu-ray player, and Buddy the Elf Musical Blu-Ray Pack (12/25/2015)
  
• Win a $100 visa from lucent spot (12/25/2015?)
  
• Win a $75 Voucher to Winning Moves Games to Buy Classic and Unique Board Games and Puzzles (12/25/15)
  
• Enter to win a $50 amazon gift card (12/25/2015)
  
• Win a Pinhole Press Holiday Camera Giveaway - Nikon D3300 Package! Ends 12/25/2015 USA and Canada
  
• [Twitter] Win $100 Cash or $500 on Random Bonus Days from JG Wentworth - Make sure not to select to allow them to contact you unless you want that. (12/25/2015)
  
• Enter to win a 3 Night Las Vegas Stay and $500 Shopping Spree! Not sure when it ends, probably 12/25/2015
  
• [LIMITED STATES] BJ's Wholesale 25 Days of Gifts (12/25/15)
  
• Vermont Brownie Company: WIN Brownies Every Month For An Entire Year! (12/25/15)
  
• Atron Vision 27" LED Monitor + 9 Other Prizes TNT electron Sweepstakes (12/25/15)
  
• Enter to win 4GB Nvidia GeForce GTX 965M + Steam Games! (12/25/2015)
  
• Bevy Gift Guide Giveaway! Tech toys giveaway! 12/25/2015
  
• 1 STEAM KEY FOR H1Z1 - 12/25/15
  
• 1 STEAM KEY FOR DayZ - 12/25/15
  
• Jackson Kayak Kilroy LT and an Orion 25 cooler plus daily prizes (12/25/15)
  
• 12 Days Till Xposed-mas Giveaway- Win Smartwatches, Chromecast, Speakers, and more!!! (12/25/15)
  
• Win a 5x7 pocket organiser from Propper (12/25)
  
• ERA Ageless Christmas Giveaway (12/25/15) ?
  
• Win a set of Rigid Industries Midnight Edition D-Series lights, hats, and shirts! (12/25/15)
  
• WIN Tickets to ALL #CREATENYE2016 Shows! (12/25/2015)
  
• [Christmas Edition] 1678 Euros Worth Games Giveaway ! (12/25/2015)
  
• Litter-Robot's 25 Days of Christmas: Day 25 - Care2 + Litter-Robot - 12/25/15
  
• 4-Day Vacation for 2 in the Bahamas at The Cove Atlantis (12/25/2015)
  
• [FB] DJI Osmo 4K Camera Christmas Giveaway (12/25/2015)
  
• [Gleam] 27" LED 1440p Monitor from Atron Vision + others TNT electron Holiday Sweepstakes (12/25/15)
  
• Win an Alienware R3 PC and a Corsair gaming peripherals set together worth $1600+ - NA & UK age 13+ (12/25/15)
  
• On-the-go paleo meals prize pack giveaway (12/25/2015)
  
• Giving away 3 copies of Call of Duty: Black Ops III (12/25/2015)
  
• uSwitch.com 12 Days of Christmas Giveaways (12/25/2015)
  
• Snakku + Star Wars Giveaway - 3 Winners. Ends 12/25/15
  
• 12 Days of Fathom Sweepstakes - Multiple Prizes with a Total ARV of $1582.88 (12/25/2015)
  
• 12 Day Trip to South Africa USA/CAN Only (12/25/2015)
  
• Win this Lancôme Holiday 2015 makeup collection! | Dave Lackie (12/25/2015)
  
• $100 GC amazon (12/25/2015)
  
• Win a Hamilton Beach 33967A Set 'n Forget Programmable Slow Cooker (12/25/15)
  
• 12 days RIGMAS - Win gaming hardware (headsets and more) from Plantronics - open worldwide (12/25/15)
  

Ending 2015-12-26:

• Win an Xbox One (12/26/15)
  
• Win a $30 Amazon Gift Card from Bestselling Author Shelley Munro (12/26)
  
• Win a FitBit Flex (12/26/2015)
  
• OnePlus X Review and Giveaway (12/26)
  
• Trip for 2 to one of 10 US cities (12/26/15)
  
• 12 Days of Yogi $2,000 Christmas Sweepstakes! (12/26/2015)
  
• (12/26/15) JmGO G1 Smart Projector Review and Giveaway
  
• Wellness Advent Calendar: prizes every day + win a weekend stay at a hotel (ends 12/26/2015)
  
• (12/26/15) INT'L GoPro HERO4 Session Review and Giveaway
  
• Mystery LEGO Set Giveaway! 12/26
  
• Giveaway: 12 Days of RIGMAS: Win PS4, Plantronics Gear, Gunnar Optiks, Xbox One and more (12/26/15)
  
• Enter to win a Limited Edition Holiday Box with a retail value of $700! (12/26/15)
  
• Rode NT1A Vocal Recording Package Giveaway (12/26/15)
  
• Win a Clara Olivia Bra and Brief Set - your choice of lingerie (12/26/15)
  
• GoPicnic holiday snacks prize pack giveaway (12/26/2015)
  
• Silk robe giveaway (12/26/2015)
  
• TeeFury Galactic Starwars Giveaway (12/26/2015)
  
• Win Art Supplies Sets - 3 Winners - Worldwide (12/26)
  
• $100 Steam Holiday Giveaway (12/26/2015)
  
• Nexus 5X International Giveaway! (12/26)
  
• OooOOooo GhostBed Mattress Giveaway any size!! $875 value (ends 12/26/15)
  

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